How to Have More Quality Time with your Children

Our Blessing, our Struggle

Currently, I am working from home and therefore get to spend quality time every day with my 2-year-old daughter. I feel truly blessed and grateful that my current life circumstances allow this. However, the very thought of having to leave her every day instead, and therefore reducing this precious time with her, makes my heart ache.

So, when I was doing research for this blog post, I was not surprised that many women wanted more of this precious time. When we become mothers, our kids become our whole world. Especially, during that first year or few months where you spend literally every minute with them. And every day that passes, where the time you spend gets less and less (as we see them grow and flourish), makes our heart sink from missing them. On the other hand, we are happy to see them become their own person.

This is a struggle I know now, as a mom, which every parent probably faces. We want our children to grow and become happy healthy adults, but we are scared we will miss out on so much of their lives as well. The last thing we want is to be forgotten. Often our children have no idea how much they really mean to us. However, one of the best ways in letting them know is by having more quality time with them. Which, is a win-win situation for both parties. We mothers get to a bigger part of their lives, and our children get to feel extra supported and loved!

So…What Does “Quality” Mean?

If you are a mother or parent reading this, I probably don’t have to tell you what quality means, but let’s break it down anyway. Below are a few major elements I think are crucial in qualifying as “quality time.” However, later in this article, I will use these elements to further explain how to get more quality time.

• No distractions such as electronics (and preferably one-on-one time)
• Lots of eye contact
• Affection (especially for the little ones but even those teenagers need lots of hugs!)
• Active listening (actually hearing what they have to say and responding in a way that lets them know you are listening i.e. re-phrasing what they told you back to them to clarify certain points)
• Heart-to-heart conversations, where you are truly getting to know them as a separate person and you are sharing things about yourself too, (just don’t cross the boundaries into talking about things that could hurt them or make them feel super uncomfortable like spousal issues, for example)
• Telling them how you feel about them (i.e. “I love you,” “You are important to me.”)
• Trying your best to understand them. Which, can include certain activities such as researching things that are important to them. And when you are really in a bind, finding someone that can help facilitate the conversation—to help give both of you a neutral perspective
• Support.  Remember, you as the parent, it is your job to be in the driver’s seat. To know when to direct them and know when to step back. This is true support. Sometimes they want you to be involved and sometimes they just need a (possibly silent) cheerleader!
• Taking a sincere interest in their hobbies, goals in life, etc. You don’t have to like what they do or join in— it is more about asking questions. However, if they want you to join in but you are not comfortable with it, do it anyway! You will be glad you did 
• NO FIGHTING—Sometimes disagreements can be healthy and part of the development of your relationship, but if the interactions are always negative and things are said that both of you regret (a lot), it is best to seek help. Your relationship with your child is critical to their future well-being and it makes a huge impact on yours too. Often, we fall into old and unhealthy relationship patterns that we were taught, but taking matters into our own hands and being brave enough to seek help will make a HUGE difference. See this page, for my services that can assist.

3 MAIN FACTORS IN GETTING MORE QUALITY TIME

1. Honesty and Appreciation

First, take a look at the current situation and, ask yourself some crucial questions. Are you creating an environment where the above “quality” elements can be achieved? For example, do you set rules at your house such as; No electronics at the dinner table? And if so, are you following these rules yourself? Be completely honest and really look at the current time you spend with your kids. Does this time have most or all of those elements mentioned above?

Also, don’t complain to others, and especially NOT to your own children, that you never get to spend time with them anymore. Most likely, this will push them away. A better strategy would be to over-emphasize and be appreciative of the time they do offer. For example, if you were able to have a good heart-to-heart conversation with them in the car, say things like: “Thank you so much for sharing. I really enjoy these conversations with you. We should schedule a time every day/week where we can connect. You are super important to me. I hope you know that I love you very much.” It doesn’t have to be that long (unless it’s been awhile since you did say those things) but the sincerity, honesty, and appreciation, has to be there. When your child looks into your eyes, they will know how you feel. If they are a teenager they may roll their eyes, but deep down they are super happy to hear it!

Also, be honest about your own shortcomings that may have challenged the relationship. For example, “I know I’m not the best listener but I am currently working on this.” Or, maybe you haven’t divulged enough about who you are as a person, and therefore have walls up. For example, maybe you can explain to them that you were super shy as a child and how you have dealt with this challenge. Or, that you succumbed to peer pressure too many times and ended up having life-long regrets. Of course, share these things with discretion, basing it on their developmental age and what they are able to hear/understand. If you are not sure, talk to a person experienced and knowledgeable about child psychology.

2. Re-evaluating Priorities

Continuing on the honesty train, take a good hard look at your schedule right now. Is there scheduled time for each of your children to spend one-on-one time with you? If there isn’t—that changes now! Even if they are grown up and out of the house, and it may seem weird to them (if you haven’t done it before), schedule a call every 1-2 weeks. If they still live with you, no matter their age, you can fit them in. NO EXCUSES.

Really, what is more important? Getting brownie points with your boss and staying an extra hour at work, or more time with your kids? Even if money is an issue, and therefore you think it is more important, unfortunately, most kids (even older ones) do not understand this. They simply see it as you choosing work (or something else) over them.

There is always a way!! Instead of working more, you can do things such as: skipping the movies that weekend and have an at-home movie night in your PJs. Or, don’t eat out for a couple weeks and make cost-effective meals that last, like a huge pot of chili, for example. AND as an extra bonus, get the kid(s) to help and teach them about making this type of food (it may come in handy when they are a poor college student! Ha-ha!) By the way, you can even tell them that’s why you are teaching them. They may laugh or look horrified, either way, it doesn’t matter because you are connecting! And no matter how hard they deny it, they need and appreciate this!

When you really feel there needs to be more of a connection, offer things like, picking them up from a school a bit earlier. Or, having them skip their dance class, so you can go for a walk together and catch up. I know it may seem like you are letting other people/organizations down, but honestly, your child (who is most important) will view it as they are super special to you!

Even my own mom let me stay home from school sometimes when I was stressed out and I really needed some mom-and-me time or some just “me” time. My education didn’t suffer—in fact, I ended up going to one of the best universities in my country! I think these “breaks” and quality time actually allowed me to do better because I was less stressed and felt supported and loved. Plus those days I usually got to do something creative or be outside which lifted my spirit and was food for my soul and own healing. Of course, if you are going to allow your child to do this and yourself (i.e. taking a “sick” or “personal” day), don’t do it on a day where there is a big test or anything OK? Ha!

3. Making the Most of What Time you DO Have by Being CONSCIOUS

So what if you really can’t change or adjust your (or your child’s) schedule at the current moment? My sincere suggestion is to do your best and put your full effort into the little time that is there. By doing so, you will actually feel like you have spent more time with your children, without having to magically make more hours in the day.

In order to put this into practice, certain circumstances need to be in place. For instance, the qualities mentioned above. However, these can be very challenging if you have fallen into certain habits that go against those “quality time” elements.

The best way to rectify this is by being more aware! Awareness allows you to see things like, “Oh, I was just on my phone for an hour, when I could have been spending time with my son.” As you become more aware and realize how important it is to “correct” certain habits, you will start to make the necessary changes.

Here is an example of a shift: After eating dinner, a mother realizes she spent the whole dinner “attending” to others by cleaning off their plates, getting the butter out of the fridge, etc. Instead, she could have “let things be” and start asking her son about his day. After this awareness, she feels her time is running out, as he will soon be jetting off to his room for the rest of the night. So with this awareness, she actually takes the opportunity to say to her son, “Hey I know you may have homework and other obligations, but I’ve noticed we haven’t spent much time together. Since it’s a nice day, do you want to play some catch in the backyard for a little bit?” She may only get 20 minutes out of him—but hey, it’s a start! And when following the elements mentioned before, those 20 minutes may seem like an hour instead! Or better yet, maybe it turns out this is what her son wanted all along, and he wasn’t going to be busy that night, so he offers to go for a walk with his mom after they play catch!

We don’t have to Sacrifice Ourselves

One of the best ways to practice being conscious and present is to do so on your own time! Even if it is for only 5 minutes when you wake up in the morning, it starts to help shift your perspective and seep into the rest of your day.

Self-care is actually one of the major ingredients in providing and creating quality time. We may have looked at your schedule and thought to yourself, “Hmm, well I could opt-out of my yoga class to spend more time with my kids.” Although, it may seem like that is what I am asking you do it, IT IS NOT.

In fact, please, please, please go to that yoga class, therapy session, tea with a close friend, into the bubble bath! A relaxed, happy and CONSCIOUS mom will automatically be able to provide better quality time with her kids! However, I do suggest prioritizing your “me time” activities to conscious ones first such as; meditation, journaling, counseling, etc. Just be sure it is not more than 1 hour a day and that it doesn’t always cut into your time you could have with your kids. For example, try to do these things when they are sleeping, at school, at their own evening class, or at a friend’s place.

Another beautiful thing about carving out time for your own well-being is that we are meeting your own needs, instead of expecting others to do it for us. Unfortunately, unknowingly and unintentionally we put our needs onto our children. Especially in difficult times such as having disputes with our spouse, we can look for comfort in the wrong places. It is always important to remember and be aware that as the parent, we are to be there for them, not the other way around.

We are Equal

As our children grow older into adults and our relationship with them may become more of a friendship- yes, they may naturally start to want to be there for us too, which is totally OK. However, even still, we need to take care of ourselves. By reaching out to the proper resources and networks, we can benefit from the supports available to us. Because, in reality, these other options will meet your needs more fully. And, this will allow your children to not live with any “guilt” that they should not have to live with.

On the other hand, being conscious also means realizing that you and your child are equal. You have equal rights as individuals. Becoming aware of this will allow you to make better judgment calls (such as the element of the proper support mentioned above). You can follow your gut on when to be more involved and when to take a step back. You will be attuned to your child’s needs and to your own. This will result in a healthy, balanced relationship, which also translates into having positive quality time together!

One More Tidbit

One more thing that can help greatly in having more quality time with your children, is to get their point of view! If they are younger they may not be able to verbally tell you, but as you become more aware, you can pick up on their “cues.” For example, my toddler likes to grab my hand, pull me over to our bean bag chair, and pretends to jump to let me know she wants to play her “jumping” game. It is super cute and reminds me, Oh yes, it has been a little too long since I paid her some much-deserved attention.

Otherwise, if they are older, ask them what activities and times they like to spend with you. However, be sure to compromise/choose the one(s) that you know will actually include those “quality” elements. For example, if they say watching movies and going for walks, probably the walk is a better option as there are more moments you can actually connect with them. Unless you are like myself and my mom where we usually like to watch discussion-inducing shows where we can talk through the whole program (or after) about bigger life questions and our own experiences and/or thoughts and feelings.

What do you do to create some quality time with your kids? Be sure to comment below—I would love to hear your thoughts! Also, if you are looking to connect more deeply with yourself and your children, be sure to sign up to our newsletter. On another note, if your family relationships really need some love, my other business, Peace Alive, focuses on just that!