Conscious Parenting

Where they come from

If you have been browsing this site, you may have realized that I consider myself (what I like to call), a sensi-seeker. For more information on what this is, please see this post. Being this type of person, I have come to the conclusion that being kind-hearted usually follows close behind, as we have a great ability to see “the best” in others.

We come from a level of understanding, and often give someone the benefit of the doubt.   We say things like, “maybe they just had a rough day.”  We assume whatever negativity that was expressed was not their true self, but rather just a temporary glitch. We can pick up on their true heart’s desire and see they are not much different than ourselves.

However, there is a great setback in this, for yourself and others. Not the “being kind” part, although this can be a danger too since we can have the tendency to be walked all over. However, I will save that topic for another day. The setback I am speaking of is having too high of expectations. This can lead to let-downs and a host of other problems.

First, let’s talk about WHY this is the case in the first place. Well, let me ask you a question, “Do you have high standards for yourself?” I’m going to safely guess that your answer was a resounding “YES!”

Seeing the potential in ourselves and others can be a great strength to have. However, this can easily morph into expecting this potential to be realized and expressed. When more often than not, because we are still mere humans, this is not the case. Especially for those of us who have not yet “met” their highest self and are completely running their lives through their ego. How can we expect these people to express “perfection”? It is unfair to do so. People are simply doing the best they can at their level of consciousness, including you.

Idealism: Friend or Foe?

A few years ago I took a personality quiz and it told me idealism was one of my main character traits. I suppose you could probably already tell this by this site I created…(ha-ha). One of the main points that stuck with me from the quiz, is that it said this idealism could create high expectations of people, which could translate into others feeling bad around me since they didn’t meet my high and unrealistic expectations.

Honestly, when I read this it made me really sad and I wanted to call old friends and apologize. I never wanted to hurt anyone but looking at my past and current relationships I realized it was one of the main causes of discord. Although I have worked on this, I have fallen into this trap again many times.

Also, I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of this scenario. For much of my life, I was afraid of conflict and wanted to please/make others happy. Therefore, I created a persona that showed others that I was always nice, cooperative and agreeable.

If you have done something similar, you will know firsthand the detrimental side effect I am about to discuss. I am not perfect, no one is! So, needless to say, I finally showed my flaws, and sometimes in extreme ways, because I had pushed my real feelings down for so long, in the attempt to be a perfectly “good” person.

These outbursts quickly pushed people away because I made them believe I was “better” than that. I made them believe I never got angry, or that I am always agreeable. I even gave the impression that I will support them in any decision, even it means sacrificing my integrity. 

Unfortunately, (or fortunately) through my healing journey, I discovered creating this persona and trying to be perfect was NOT doing anyone any good. I was actually being dishonest with myself and others. I set myself up for failure in relationships because I created such high expectations. Therefore, when I did make an even small mistake that other people make all the time, it appeared to them that I had “lost” it, or I was all of a sudden a bad person.

The creation of this persona and the destruction of it has been the cause of some great pain. My relationships began to fall apart and even became non-existent. Even today, I am very careful about how I go about setting the tone for new relationships. Meanwhile, I am trying to figure out how to mend the existing ones.

My experience with people who had such high expectations of me—then quickly turned their back on me, when I turned out to not be what they thought—has hurt me very deeply. However, I realize, I brought it upon myself, for the most part. Also, it made me realize to not do the same to others. And instead, I am learning how to come from a place of acceptance and love, instead of righteous expectation disguised as “helping” others be their best self. Because really, the best place to start in helping others is coming from a place of unconditional acceptance.

How to Move from Expecting to Love

Do you want the best for yourself? Of course! Do you want the best for others? Of course! OK, you may challenge me on the 2^nd answer when it comes to some people, but let’s look at the facts:

1. When others are happy, they treat others around them better.
2. When people have what they need and want, they are much more pleasant to be around.
3. When people are living their dreams lives, they are a lot more generous (because they have more than what they need and therefore have more to give, from energy to time, or money).

Basically, wanting the best for others is actually again saying, you want the best for yourself. And saying you want the best for yourself, also means you want the best for others; because in the end, you will be giving them your best self, which of course is giving them the best!

So now that you know, (or realized you already knew), that others happiness determines your own and vice versa, we can begin the steps that will help you move from expecting too much from others to a place of love.

1. Encourage NOT Push: We think that expecting the best from others will bring out their best. That is why we push our friends, partners, and children to win. We see, (more often than they can) their greatest potential and talents, so we often wonder, “WHY…are they (not)…doing such and such. They are such a great (blank) OR… they are so smart, talented, etc.” Part of the reason is because of the unspoken (or spoken) pressure they are under. They don’t want to disappoint you or anyone else! Instead of pushing them to win and reach for the “best,” encourage them to be fully themselves and express that in a way that they can get on board with.
2. Accept whatever IS: Even though you and they want to get from point A to point B, but they are not quite there yet, and maybe they are not moving to point B as fast as you would like, telling them things like “Don’t you have to start training for….? Have you done (blank) yet?” is basically saying to them that they are not living up to your expectations. Instead, don’t say anything, especially if you know they are smart and capable enough to get from point A to point B, or at least they have the resources available to them. After all, it is THEIR goal and life—not yours, right? Or, if you do say something, focus on what IS. For example, “I see you went for a run yesterday. Was that for your marathon training? You are really inspiring, I think I might try and do the same. Can I come with you next time?” And maybe they haven’t done anything towards their goal they mentioned. Oh well! Again, it is their life and the consequences will be on them—so why worry or make it about what you want for them?
3. Love them anyway: Especially when it comes to our kids, we often make them think our love is dependent on their “success.” Even though we know in our hearts, however, their life ends up, we will love them anyway! Be sure to show and even voice this to them and other people in your life. When they have done nothing to “please” you or even, during or after they didn’t show their best self, say “I love you.” Or, show them by listening, giving them an unexpected token of appreciation (i.e. randomly bring their favourite tub of ice cream home because you know they are having a rough day). Don’t punish them for being human. Instead, love them anyway, and it will encourage them to bring out their best self, you know is there!

A Word of Caution

OK, so these steps might make you anxious, correct? How come? Because you may feel that if you don’t hold on to your ideals, that everything will fall apart and your kids or other loved ones will end up to be homeless addicts. And guess what, if they do, it actually has NOTHING to do with you. Especially, if you are coming from a place of detached, unconditional love.

One major ingredient in this whole scenario that I have not mentioned yet AND is just as important, is one of boundaries! I cannot stress how important clear, healthy boundaries are. This will make the difference between co-dependent love and unconditional love, between being kind and true compassion. And finally, between people pleasing and integrity of oneself (while respecting another’s).

Without boundaries, the steps mentioned above can and will fall apart. This is because you will fall into the other trap sensis experience when trying to be kind—being a doormat

You cannot realize your best self and reach your highest potential when you are living life for others. Respecting yourself and your boundaries are key in loving others fully because you are loving yourself fully. You are giving your greatest service to others when you mix ALL of these ingredients. AND guess what? You are living with true joy and fulfillment!!

A BONUS Side Effect of Letting go of Expectations

When you fully allow to let go of expectations and instead accept what is and love yourself and others fully, something truly amazing happens. YOU ARE FREE!!!!!!!!!

Your energy is lighter than ever because you are not wasting time; you are not waiting for others to get it “right,” or worrying about doing everything perfectly. Your mind is clear, and your energy is not drained by attachments to others’ lives and how they will turn out. Also, you let go of attachments to your own outcomes. You will simply do the best you can in the moment, and know in the end you will learn what you need to learn and move on.

For example, if I let myself go into a place of “OMG I have to write this perfectly and have to market it the proper way, or I won’t help anyone or get what I need from this blog, and my dreams will be ruined.” Then guess what? My worries will become my reality—eek! Don’t want that to happen. So, instead, I am learning to just go with the flow, write what inspires me and hope it will inspire others too. Also, I have a deep knowing that even if NO ONE reads this or is inspired by it, I LOVED every minute of creating it. Therefore, it is worth it to me because I am being true to myself and doing what I feel is important right now.

As far as the promoting and business side of it, when I come to those tasks as well, I will do them with integrity and to the best of my knowledge and let it go. If I try to be like someone else and stress myself out about what every person thinks, I will have no energy to live my life in a happy and peaceful way; so really what will be the point then?

I encourage, NOT expect you to get quiet, write down your boundaries, figure out what is important to you and what you need and want, find out who you really are (flaws and all). Above all,  ACCEPT yourself anyway and live your life without regrets that would impact your true happiness.

Did you figure out who you are expecting too much from? Is it yourself? Did you even know this was happening? Comment below and let me know your process and what expectations you are struggling with! I would love to hear from you 

Psst…want to know how to get to a place of acceptance? I have the perfect tool for you! Be sure to check out my free guide: The Ultimate Key to Emotional Freedom.

Our Blessing, our Struggle

Currently, I am working from home and therefore get to spend quality time every day with my 2-year-old daughter. I feel truly blessed and grateful that my current life circumstances allow this. However, the very thought of having to leave her every day instead, and therefore reducing this precious time with her, makes my heart ache.

So, when I was doing research for this blog post, I was not surprised that many women wanted more of this precious time. When we become mothers, our kids become our whole world. Especially, during that first year or few months where you spend literally every minute with them. And every day that passes, where the time you spend gets less and less (as we see them grow and flourish), makes our heart sink from missing them. On the other hand, we are happy to see them become their own person.

This is a struggle I know now, as a mom, which every parent probably faces. We want our children to grow and become happy healthy adults, but we are scared we will miss out on so much of their lives as well. The last thing we want is to be forgotten. Often our children have no idea how much they really mean to us. However, one of the best ways in letting them know is by having more quality time with them. Which, is a win-win situation for both parties. We mothers get to a bigger part of their lives, and our children get to feel extra supported and loved!

So…What Does “Quality” Mean?

If you are a mother or parent reading this, I probably don’t have to tell you what quality means, but let’s break it down anyway. Below are a few major elements I think are crucial in qualifying as “quality time.” However, later in this article, I will use these elements to further explain how to get more quality time.

• No distractions such as electronics (and preferably one-on-one time)
• Lots of eye contact
• Affection (especially for the little ones but even those teenagers need lots of hugs!)
• Active listening (actually hearing what they have to say and responding in a way that lets them know you are listening i.e. re-phrasing what they told you back to them to clarify certain points)
• Heart-to-heart conversations, where you are truly getting to know them as a separate person and you are sharing things about yourself too, (just don’t cross the boundaries into talking about things that could hurt them or make them feel super uncomfortable like spousal issues, for example)
• Telling them how you feel about them (i.e. “I love you,” “You are important to me.”)
• Trying your best to understand them. Which, can include certain activities such as researching things that are important to them. And when you are really in a bind, finding someone that can help facilitate the conversation—to help give both of you a neutral perspective
• Support.  Remember, you as the parent, it is your job to be in the driver’s seat. To know when to direct them and know when to step back. This is true support. Sometimes they want you to be involved and sometimes they just need a (possibly silent) cheerleader!
• Taking a sincere interest in their hobbies, goals in life, etc. You don’t have to like what they do or join in— it is more about asking questions. However, if they want you to join in but you are not comfortable with it, do it anyway! You will be glad you did 
• NO FIGHTING—Sometimes disagreements can be healthy and part of the development of your relationship, but if the interactions are always negative and things are said that both of you regret (a lot), it is best to seek help. Your relationship with your child is critical to their future well-being and it makes a huge impact on yours too. Often, we fall into old and unhealthy relationship patterns that we were taught, but taking matters into our own hands and being brave enough to seek help will make a HUGE difference. See this page, for my services that can assist.

3 MAIN FACTORS IN GETTING MORE QUALITY TIME

1. Honesty and Appreciation

First, take a look at the current situation and, ask yourself some crucial questions. Are you creating an environment where the above “quality” elements can be achieved? For example, do you set rules at your house such as; No electronics at the dinner table? And if so, are you following these rules yourself? Be completely honest and really look at the current time you spend with your kids. Does this time have most or all of those elements mentioned above?

Also, don’t complain to others, and especially NOT to your own children, that you never get to spend time with them anymore. Most likely, this will push them away. A better strategy would be to over-emphasize and be appreciative of the time they do offer. For example, if you were able to have a good heart-to-heart conversation with them in the car, say things like: “Thank you so much for sharing. I really enjoy these conversations with you. We should schedule a time every day/week where we can connect. You are super important to me. I hope you know that I love you very much.” It doesn’t have to be that long (unless it’s been awhile since you did say those things) but the sincerity, honesty, and appreciation, has to be there. When your child looks into your eyes, they will know how you feel. If they are a teenager they may roll their eyes, but deep down they are super happy to hear it!

Also, be honest about your own shortcomings that may have challenged the relationship. For example, “I know I’m not the best listener but I am currently working on this.” Or, maybe you haven’t divulged enough about who you are as a person, and therefore have walls up. For example, maybe you can explain to them that you were super shy as a child and how you have dealt with this challenge. Or, that you succumbed to peer pressure too many times and ended up having life-long regrets. Of course, share these things with discretion, basing it on their developmental age and what they are able to hear/understand. If you are not sure, talk to a person experienced and knowledgeable about child psychology.

2. Re-evaluating Priorities

Continuing on the honesty train, take a good hard look at your schedule right now. Is there scheduled time for each of your children to spend one-on-one time with you? If there isn’t—that changes now! Even if they are grown up and out of the house, and it may seem weird to them (if you haven’t done it before), schedule a call every 1-2 weeks. If they still live with you, no matter their age, you can fit them in. NO EXCUSES.

Really, what is more important? Getting brownie points with your boss and staying an extra hour at work, or more time with your kids? Even if money is an issue, and therefore you think it is more important, unfortunately, most kids (even older ones) do not understand this. They simply see it as you choosing work (or something else) over them.

There is always a way!! Instead of working more, you can do things such as: skipping the movies that weekend and have an at-home movie night in your PJs. Or, don’t eat out for a couple weeks and make cost-effective meals that last, like a huge pot of chili, for example. AND as an extra bonus, get the kid(s) to help and teach them about making this type of food (it may come in handy when they are a poor college student! Ha-ha!) By the way, you can even tell them that’s why you are teaching them. They may laugh or look horrified, either way, it doesn’t matter because you are connecting! And no matter how hard they deny it, they need and appreciate this!

When you really feel there needs to be more of a connection, offer things like, picking them up from a school a bit earlier. Or, having them skip their dance class, so you can go for a walk together and catch up. I know it may seem like you are letting other people/organizations down, but honestly, your child (who is most important) will view it as they are super special to you!

Even my own mom let me stay home from school sometimes when I was stressed out and I really needed some mom-and-me time or some just “me” time. My education didn’t suffer—in fact, I ended up going to one of the best universities in my country! I think these “breaks” and quality time actually allowed me to do better because I was less stressed and felt supported and loved. Plus those days I usually got to do something creative or be outside which lifted my spirit and was food for my soul and own healing. Of course, if you are going to allow your child to do this and yourself (i.e. taking a “sick” or “personal” day), don’t do it on a day where there is a big test or anything OK? Ha!

3. Making the Most of What Time you DO Have by Being CONSCIOUS

So what if you really can’t change or adjust your (or your child’s) schedule at the current moment? My sincere suggestion is to do your best and put your full effort into the little time that is there. By doing so, you will actually feel like you have spent more time with your children, without having to magically make more hours in the day.

In order to put this into practice, certain circumstances need to be in place. For instance, the qualities mentioned above. However, these can be very challenging if you have fallen into certain habits that go against those “quality time” elements.

The best way to rectify this is by being more aware! Awareness allows you to see things like, “Oh, I was just on my phone for an hour, when I could have been spending time with my son.” As you become more aware and realize how important it is to “correct” certain habits, you will start to make the necessary changes.

Here is an example of a shift: After eating dinner, a mother realizes she spent the whole dinner “attending” to others by cleaning off their plates, getting the butter out of the fridge, etc. Instead, she could have “let things be” and start asking her son about his day. After this awareness, she feels her time is running out, as he will soon be jetting off to his room for the rest of the night. So with this awareness, she actually takes the opportunity to say to her son, “Hey I know you may have homework and other obligations, but I’ve noticed we haven’t spent much time together. Since it’s a nice day, do you want to play some catch in the backyard for a little bit?” She may only get 20 minutes out of him—but hey, it’s a start! And when following the elements mentioned before, those 20 minutes may seem like an hour instead! Or better yet, maybe it turns out this is what her son wanted all along, and he wasn’t going to be busy that night, so he offers to go for a walk with his mom after they play catch!

We don’t have to Sacrifice Ourselves

One of the best ways to practice being conscious and present is to do so on your own time! Even if it is for only 5 minutes when you wake up in the morning, it starts to help shift your perspective and seep into the rest of your day.

Self-care is actually one of the major ingredients in providing and creating quality time. We may have looked at your schedule and thought to yourself, “Hmm, well I could opt-out of my yoga class to spend more time with my kids.” Although, it may seem like that is what I am asking you do it, IT IS NOT.

In fact, please, please, please go to that yoga class, therapy session, tea with a close friend, into the bubble bath! A relaxed, happy and CONSCIOUS mom will automatically be able to provide better quality time with her kids! However, I do suggest prioritizing your “me time” activities to conscious ones first such as; meditation, journaling, counseling, etc. Just be sure it is not more than 1 hour a day and that it doesn’t always cut into your time you could have with your kids. For example, try to do these things when they are sleeping, at school, at their own evening class, or at a friend’s place.

Another beautiful thing about carving out time for your own well-being is that we are meeting your own needs, instead of expecting others to do it for us. Unfortunately, unknowingly and unintentionally we put our needs onto our children. Especially in difficult times such as having disputes with our spouse, we can look for comfort in the wrong places. It is always important to remember and be aware that as the parent, we are to be there for them, not the other way around.

We are Equal

As our children grow older into adults and our relationship with them may become more of a friendship- yes, they may naturally start to want to be there for us too, which is totally OK. However, even still, we need to take care of ourselves. By reaching out to the proper resources and networks, we can benefit from the supports available to us. Because, in reality, these other options will meet your needs more fully. And, this will allow your children to not live with any “guilt” that they should not have to live with.

On the other hand, being conscious also means realizing that you and your child are equal. You have equal rights as individuals. Becoming aware of this will allow you to make better judgment calls (such as the element of the proper support mentioned above). You can follow your gut on when to be more involved and when to take a step back. You will be attuned to your child’s needs and to your own. This will result in a healthy, balanced relationship, which also translates into having positive quality time together!

One More Tidbit

One more thing that can help greatly in having more quality time with your children, is to get their point of view! If they are younger they may not be able to verbally tell you, but as you become more aware, you can pick up on their “cues.” For example, my toddler likes to grab my hand, pull me over to our bean bag chair, and pretends to jump to let me know she wants to play her “jumping” game. It is super cute and reminds me, Oh yes, it has been a little too long since I paid her some much-deserved attention.

Otherwise, if they are older, ask them what activities and times they like to spend with you. However, be sure to compromise/choose the one(s) that you know will actually include those “quality” elements. For example, if they say watching movies and going for walks, probably the walk is a better option as there are more moments you can actually connect with them. Unless you are like myself and my mom where we usually like to watch discussion-inducing shows where we can talk through the whole program (or after) about bigger life questions and our own experiences and/or thoughts and feelings.

What do you do to create some quality time with your kids? Be sure to comment below—I would love to hear your thoughts! Also, if you are looking to connect more deeply with yourself and your children, be sure to sign up to our newsletter. On another note, if your family relationships really need some love, my other business, Peace Alive, focuses on just that!