Overwhelming Feelings as an Empath? 3 Easy Solutions

September 20, 2023

Energy Therapy Mental Well-being Personal Development

Solutions to Overwhelm for Empaths

Last week I came face to face AGAIN with one of the most difficult struggles of my life. No, this was not an external event, however, an internal one driven by an array of external forces.

On my girls’ first day back to school, I spent the day having crying spells and anxiety attacks, going through a rollercoaster of emotions. I felt everything in the book that day, from excitement to hopelessness.

I was overwhelmed by several changes that were happening or going to happen soon. As usual, my brain likes to dump everything on me all at once in one day. Leaving me having to deal with ALL my issues at one time which is just not possible! Hence, the anxiety attacks!

Eventually, I was able to be at peace with what is and move forward in actions that would benefit future situations. In the past, it may have taken me a few days to get out of that state, but within a few hours, I could be calm enough to move on.

You may be asking yourself, “But, HOW?” Well, it is probably simpler than you realize. Let’s break it down…

3 Root Causes of Overwhelm

1. Taking On What Isn’t Ours

First, let us dive into why as an empath this overwhelm happens so often. One of the reasons may be because we feel and sense others’ energy and tend to “take on” that energy. For instance, in the day I was speaking of, I may have been taking on my daughters’ worries as well. Also, this can also be referring to taking on others’ responsibilities. Which causes us extra stress.

2. Feeling Guilty and/or Shame

Another reason is that we can feel guilt or shame for our feelings because we are aware of how it affects others around us and can see the damage it is causing, making them more intense. An example of this may be losing your patience with loved ones because of your internal emotional turmoil. Or, we can simply feel guilty for having feelings because at some point someone taught us it wasn’t okay, or weak, etc.

3. Avoiding the Present/Negative Thought Habits

At some point in my journey, I read a quote from Lao Tzu, who said,
“If you’re depressed, you’re living in the past. If you’re anxious, you’re living in the future. If you’re at peace, you’re living in the present.”

Basically, in steering ourselves AWAY from the present, we are causing issues for ourselves in the present and, by default the future as well. Our emotional overwhelm that we battle with is often caused by focusing too much on the past or what is going to happen in the future.

Thought habits that do this steering, like; worrying, replaying the past, doomsday thinking, jumping to conclusions, criticizing, “should” statements, etc. always come up in both of those scenarios AND are often the root cause of the overwhelm.

In this state of overwhelm, it can often feel like a tsunami crashing upon our lives and therefore, it can feel a bit hopeless, as if we will never get out of it.

However, today in this post, I am going to give you some tools to equip yourself, so that the next time you are faced with these overwhelming feelings you can navigate it! Remember, in the ocean of overwhelm, you CAN find your island of calm! No matter how daunting it may seem.

If you feel in particular these negative thought patterns have got the best of you, consider EFT (emotional freedom technique), where we create tapping scripts on your unique thought habits and RELEASE them from your psyche and energy field!

To resolve your overwhelm in a specific moment, let’s break it down into 3 Steps, in which each step is based on the three root causes of the overwhelm, discussed above.

Finding Peace in Overwhelming Feelings

3 Quick Steps to Finding Your Island of Peace

1. Remove the Burden of Others

First, let’s identify if the reason for your overwhelming state is coming from others. A quick way to test is, is noticing if your thoughts are focused on others and how they are feeling/thinking.

For example, internal dialogues such as, “I wonder what they are doing right now. I really hope they are ok. Hopefully, Jamie isn’t mean to her again.” Basically, if the thoughts are about how the external is affecting someone ELSE, then that is a big clue.

Because at that point you are empathizing and “tapping in” into their state of emotions or thoughts. It is very important that we first remove this energy of others, to properly deal with OURS. Once you notice this, say to yourself,

“I am letting go of others’ karma. It is not my responsibility, but I send them love and well wishes.”

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Take a deep breath and truly release these feelings. A bonus tip to help release the energy of others is by smudging or doing another cleansing process (mindful shower, etc.)

In regards to taking on others physical responsibilities (doing their chores, etc.), a hard conversation may need to be had in setting your boundaries. Clear expectations and saying NO, when needed will not only relieve your burden, but, it is GOOD for the other person as well, whom will benefit from taking responsibility for their own stuff.

2. Act of Self-Love and Safety

Next, become aware of the feelings that are left- the ones that are YOURS. Ask yourself, “What could I do right now that would make me feel SAFE?” This is a gentle and loving way of treating yourself. Which is the opposite of creating shame and guilt around your situation.

It will also help prevent your negative feelings from affecting others and stop the blame/shame cycle. Some things you could do are; take space (go to another room), put your hand on your heart and deep breathe, massage your hands or feet, put on calming music, close your eyes and give yourself a hug, get outside for a walk or sit and be present with nature and last but not least is mediation (guided or not). Really, the possibilities are endless but make sure it is something that you really connect with, and you immediately get that sense of calm and safety.

3. Be PRESENT and Dissolve Negative Thoughts

Lastly, probably the toughest issue to tackle is our negative thought habits. Because they are HABITS, we must start to “unlearn” them and provide an alternative habit that is healthy.

To get started on this process, to make it simple, let’s focus on PRESENCE. The best way to prevent emotional overwhelm in the first place is to become more present.The best way to prevent emotional overwhelm in the first place is to become more present. Not dwelling on the past (even if it is 5 minutes ago) or the future. Luckily, our acts of self-love discussed above, do just that! They ground us into the present.

You may find after you do one of those activities, your overwhelming feelings are gone. If they are not, or quickly they are coming back, this just means you must keep practicing presence. Essentially, we are training our minds to NOT continue to go down those paths of destruction.

IF, you tried a couple of things and it is still not working because maybe these feelings are coming from a specific dooming event that will be in your reality soon, then make sure your act of presence is also PRODUCTIVE. It must be an action that helps you move forward with more confidence in the situation. Still not clear? Let’s discuss further below.

Where We Go from Here: Actionable Presence

Sometimes, part of feeling overwhelmed is feeling like we don’t have control over the situation. That we are victims of its inevitable outcome. That’s why sometimes it is harder to shake those overwhelming feelings when it is related to an impending situation (i.e., starting a new job etc.).

If we learn to take steps forward that are rooted in presence as well- it can be even more powerful in helping to minimize those overwhelming feelings.

So, you know the first question to ask is, “What can I do to help myself feel SAFE?” Combine this with the question, “What can I do that would make the upcoming situation better/easier.”

Let’s take the example above, of starting a new job. First, take inventory (write down) your most prevalent worries. Maybe it is not connecting with others/making friends. Or maybe it is learning new skills. Now, put yourself in a state of safety. For example, put your hand on your heart, take 3 deep breaths with your worry in mind, and ask the above question, “What can I do that would make the upcoming situation better/easier.” Let your intuition, not your “head” guide you.

Listening to your Intuition

Maybe the answer will be that you write down all the things you are excited about instead of worried. Maybe, your intuition nudges you to e-mail your new boss, asking what the first thing is they need from you, or how you can best help. Or, maybe you take a drive and get to know the area, so you don’t worry about traffic/finding a parking spot, and at the same time find a quaint coffee shop you can take your break at.

You will be surprised at the ABUNDANCE of solutions to your “non” problems that exist! And, I say “non” problems with the most love. Promise, I know what it is like to be in that state and feel like the world is ending. But once you practice presence and take true inventory of your worries, you will see you barely have anything to worry about. Or, that those “negative” outcomes are something you CAN handle, and therefore don’t have to worry about it!

Worrying is such a WASTE of energy. And, as empaths, our energy is so precious because we are so sensitive. So, it is important to protect. And one of the best ways to protect it is growing a stronger mentality with presence and connecting to our divine power, wisdom, and intuition.

If you would like to tap more into your power as an empath and build up this strength, I have compiled some of the BEST tools, techniques, and strategies all into one program! Check it out here.

If you would like a 50% discount, be sure to sign up for the newsletter here.

Remember, you are strong enough, worthy enough, and ARE needed!

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8 Steps to Spring Clean Your Mind and Manifest Your Desires

March 19, 2018

Energy Therapy Mental Well-being

The Gifts of Spring

Spring has always been a very important time for me. Some of my most positive experiences and changes in life has happened in the spring. I don’t believe this is just a coincidence. With every season and every time of the day, week, month, year, the decade or even century, there is a certain energy about it.

I believe that one of the best ways to truly be connected to a higher purpose, we also need to be connected to the Earth. We do so, by going with the natural flow of energy that each day, month, season, etc. presents us with. If we do not, I think great opportunities can be missed.

So what is the energy of spring? What can we cultivate in our lives this time of year that is conducive to the season? Well, for decades spring has been celebrated as a time of renewal, rebirth, fertility, new potential, etc.

For instance, did you know that “the Roman year began on the ides of March (15th)”? (source: http://bit.ly/2DFEx7i) And, that technically, the astrological year begins on the spring equinox, with the sign Aries. It is no wonder that spring always felt more to me like “New Years” than January 1^st!

Making way for New Potential

Looking at the energy of spring and the traditions many different cultures have for this time of year, it makes sense that “spring cleaning” has now become an unwritten tradition for many.

In order for new potential to emerge, the old ways and things (that do not serve us anymore) have to be thrown out. It is very difficult to implement a new habit. As well as, store new stuff when there is too much “junk” in the way. Although it can be done, it is an uphill battle.

Well, I have had an uphill battle waaay too long! Ha! I was fed up with holding myself back from reaching greater levels of success and happiness. Something had to change and I knew it was something within me.

I first thought that it was me. That there was something inherently wrong with me, that I could not change. That I was just the “type” of person that couldn’t do the necessary tasks to get what I wanted. This mostly stemmed from, what I like to call my “introvert complex” and has been the root of much of my low self-esteem issues. To read more about this complex and to help resolve it, check out this previous post.

Through my healing experience, I realized it was simply my fears and limiting beliefs that were holding me back – NOT the inherent “me”. Plus, these things I thought were “stuck” in my makeup, were actually things that could be changed, or at the very least, be harnessed to my benefit (instead of hindering my progress).

Earlier this week, I had a re-occurring epiphany regarding this concept. I realized I was not digesting new positive information and beliefs because I haven’t yet cleared the “attic” so to speak. So, what did I do? Well, I turned to one of my favourite techniques to help let go and “rewire” the brain and our energy system: EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). This is also known as “tapping”. EFT is how I changed the beliefs above about not being the “right” type of person to get things I desired.

Steps in the Clearing Process

Here are the following steps to take if you would like to clear some of your limiting beliefs and implement new ones, so you can be empowered and ready for new potential in the spring!

First, write down at least 5 limiting beliefs around the issue you are struggling with. For instance, if you struggle with money; write down your limiting beliefs on this topic. Some examples might be; “Money doesn’t come easy”, “I am not worthy of financial success”, “Money ruins people/makes them mean.” Etc.
Next, I would group any reoccurring themes, especially if you wrote down more than 5. For example, you might have a lot of limiting beliefs that reflect your self-esteem (not worthy, not good enough, don’t have the “right” personality, etc.)
Once you have your main themes determined, start the tapping process! For a free complete guide, click here. There are also some free video resources on YouTube that you may find helpful.
On the setup statement, in the first “blank” (Even though, I [blank] ) take one theme at a time and describe in detail your beliefs/how you feel about them etc. Continue instructions has described.
After you have done enough rounds of tapping (your SUDS level is below 5- ideally 0 or close to it), start to implement new positive beliefs.
Write down any ah-ha moments, or new positive ideas that come up. I find they come naturally once the old belief is almost gone. If none do, simply write down what you DO want to believe: beliefs that you think will help you get your desired result. Taking the money example above, you may want to believe “Money DOES come easy.” Because believing this will make it more likely for you to attract abundance in your life.
For the tapping part of this step, a setup statement is not necessary, but as in the handbook mentioned above shows you, you can use it for maximum benefits. Otherwise, simply tap on the points using your new belief statements.
IMPORTANT: To help implement these new beliefs in your subconscious, include the “top of the head” tapping point to the sequence. This point particularly is good for the POSITIVE things you want to implement. You may find that other people use it when clearing the negative too, however, I personally don’t recommend it.

Some More Clearing Ideas

If you do not resonate with the EFT technique mentioned, I have some other things you can do to help clear the way for new potential to grow. However, before I continue, I have found EFT to be the most helpful, especially when it comes to limiting beliefs.

This is because it works with your body’s energy system and subconscious to “clear” and reprogram these two vital components, for the best results.

Other Methods:

Actually Spring Cleaning

Simply cleaning out your house and getting rid of clutter can be healing for the energy of your house, and your mind. This is because every item actually holds on to certain energies. Perhaps the items you are carrying around hold a negative memory. Or, maybe the items are simply “in the way” and therefore still hold negative energy because they are not making your space and life any better.

Each item you have should fall under one of the following categories; has a purpose (i.e. making your life easier/more convenient such as a blender that you use to make healthy smoothies), is something you LOVE and therefore brings you joy every time you look at it/use it (i.e. a beautiful painting hanging on the wall) or is necessary (i.e. receipts needed to do your taxes).

Getting rid of all other items helps free your mind because it let’s go of any energy attached to the items, including any negative energy attached to memories, or thoughts of worry and/or irritation.

Meditation with Visualization

Meditation alone can certainly help calm and ease the worries of the mind. However, using a visualization that allows you to get rid of certain negative beliefs is even more beneficial.

Just like the tapping above, I would advise to write down 3-5 negative beliefs you would like to get rid of. Then write down your intention for the meditation (for example: “To release any negative beliefs holding me back from [blank])”. Next, put on some relaxing music or specific meditation music and use the following visualization:

First, see a bright white light wash over you. Imagine this light within your heart and let it expand to encompass your whole body. Next, imagine your thoughts as a shape. Also, imagine the colour, size, and texture. Then let the white light “wash it away” (as if it was scrubbing it away). Or, imagine the shape expanding until it bursts and see it dissipate into the white light. Finally, allow the white light to shine brighter and brighter and turn gold. Allow this gold energy to encircle your entire body and energy field. Allow it to protect you for the rest of the day.

Journaling with Purpose/Intention

Sometimes free-flow journaling, where you simply write what you are feeling without any editing, can lead to a release of these feelings and thoughts. If you really allow yourself to surrender to the process you can even begin to channel your higher self and have ah-ha moments. Sometimes new positive beliefs will naturally be presented.

However, for best results, write down the 3-5 negative beliefs you would like to let go of. Then, write down your intention like you would for the meditation above. Finally, simply free-flow write your feelings around these beliefs to allow them to be released from your energy and subconscious.

If you really resonate with writing as a form of healing, check out my free 10-day course, introducing you to some of the best writing techniques for healing.

Artistic Expression with Purpose/Intention

Being creative can be incredibly healing. Also, it is usually lots of fun! You don’t have to be an “artist” by any means. Artistic expression is for everyone. Get out your favourite artistic tools (paints, sketchpad, pencil crayons, pottery, play doe, etc.) and start the healing process.

First, I would still advise doing steps 1 and 2 mentioned in the above activities (writing down beliefs and setting your intention). Next, simply start creating. Also, it would be best to do the art on something that can be destroyed. Even if it turns out looking beautiful, it will be more therapeutic if you are able to rip it up or burn it after.

This is because the point of this exercise is to let go of your negative beliefs. Even if they go from your mind to the paper, the energy of it still may be present. Going the next step and destroying it is saying to your subconscious that you no longer want this belief, even if it has felt comfortable to keep it.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy/Counselling

CBT is a very practical type of counselling. It has a little more direction and purpose than just regular talk therapy. If you find a good therapist, you can transform your negative thought patterns and behaviours into something more positive and productive. For more information on CBT, I would recommend taking a look at this site.

However, some of the downsides may be; the cost and, the length of time it can take to see results. From the article above, it even states that it can take 5-10 months to overcome most emotional problems. Although this is a short amount of time compared to some other methods of traditional therapy, it still is quite long. So unless you really feel you need the support and/or are in great emotional distress it wouldn’t be my first choice.

As mentioned above, EFT (tapping) (which is also now recognized as an evidence-based therapy) has been more effective my experience. As stated before, it only took me 1 session to overcome multiple negative beliefs! You can too, simply, click here to download my free tapping guide!

Spring into the Next Chapter of your Desired Life

Spring is full of so many possibilities. Don’t let this very opportunistic time of year pass you by without doing a little “spring cleaning”, for your mind. You will feel more vibrant and energized to take on the next chapter of your life and manifest your desires.

Another thing about spring is it carries a much lighter energy than winter. Allow this energy to motivate you and help you through any challenges. Remember to have some fun, go outside, dance, sing and allow yourself to be in the joy of spring. Let the birds singing ignite your spirit to move towards more positive experiences. I promise they won’t disappoint!

To take full advantage of this lighter and more positive energy, first, do the exercises mentioned above. This can truly prepare you and make the necessary ROOM for this new energy. Mother Earth, the Divine, the universe and cosmos is sure to support you in the best way possible if you are open to it 🙂

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Relationship Advice Made Easy: Only 3 Ingredients Needed

February 14, 2018

Personal Development

Although this post contains affiliate links, all opinions are my own. Please see the Disclaimer page for more information.

My Personal Struggle

Socially Awkward

I am going, to be honest. I am not good at relationships- ANY type. It may even appear to others, on the outside that I am good at them. But, they truly are the hardest thing for me to deal with. And I feel like I am not alone in this. Which is why I wanted to write this post.

I am sure in the future I will dive deeper into this topic, covering the specifics, but for now, I am going to be pretty general.

I don’t know about you, but for me, being alone, in my own space, doing something I like, is the most peaceful place to be. There is no one I have to bend to, think about when I want to change the channel, or consider on any level. There is just me. I can annoy myself sometimes but I know how to deal with it. I have gotten to know myself so well, that I can just create a space for myself that will allow me to feel better.

Can’t Change Others

When I am with others, I want them to feel good and be at peace as well. But, trying to do this for someone, unless they outright ask you, is nearly impossible. So not only, is it hard dealing with negative people (because of obvious repercussions) but also, the fact that you really can’t do anything to change their present state of mind. You may be able to temporarily lighten the mood by making them laugh, or encourage them through advice and support. However, the outcome is NEVER guaranteed!

It is not that I want to change others…OK maybe a part of me does. But it is not only for selfish reasons (i.e. I can enjoy their company more and be more relaxed) BUT, it is also because I have this deep desire to want to HELP them, so they truly can feel better. It breaks my heart, when I KNOW I can provide them with something that can help but all I get is a CLOSED door.

People naturally do this. Even if they say they want help. Their actions tell a much different story! Probably deep down they do- BUT their habits of thoughts and behaviors pull them away from this desire and self-sabotage rears its ugly head. Trust me, I know, I have been there- and still struggle with this.

Extra Sensitive

Although I can empathize greatly, it actually only makes it harder. A part of me becomes a part of them. I am affected on a deep level, positively or negatively by others. However, in the last decade, I have become much better at “separating” myself energetically and emotionally.

I have learned from a mental standpoint, that their issues, is just that, THEIR ISSUES. Not mine! So, I have NO responsibility to take it on as my own. It is not my job to fix them or their problems. They are responsible for themselves.

Also, becoming an Energy Therapist has greatly helped me in “protecting” myself from others junk. By protecting, I mean working with energy so, that my “field” (or better known as aura) is not penetrated by theirs. There are several ways to put up energetic barriers. As well as, there are ways you can “cleanse” your aura after you have been around others that were not so positive. Here is an effective and comprehensive guide to getting you started: Express Energy Healing Guide.

I am not saying that my energy is any better. BUT, I have learned ways to increase the vibration to an extent. However, I have come to a place where I can’t seem to get past certain walls which stops me reaching even higher vibrations. After all, I am human and I still have my own issues to work through- ha!

Separation for Safety Reasons

For instance, days like today where I am physically sick, emotionally drained, stressed out about life and fit the famous description “Debbie the downer”, I try to stay far, far away from people. Why? Because I don’t want to burden them with my junk! I know my issues, are only MY issues. They aren’t for anyone else to fix. Unless I am paying someone money or equalling reimbursing them for their time and energy, it does not feel right to dump on them.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a cave I can hide away in to get away from everyone (my poor husband and child-eek!) So, I am still learning to give myself just enough space, that I can work some things out without having my crappy energy seep into their lives. But, again I am human, and when a mere human is sleep-deprived, sick, etc. their ability to filter things go way down.

Even still, I WISH I could control all of my emotions and work out ALL my issues so I would never lash out in any way to anyone ever again. But that’s unfortunately not realistic. So what I can I do? Well, many sources have said to FORGIVE me.

The Struggle to Forgive Me

But how? When I feel their pain I’ve caused. I don’t just mean that I see their pain or “know” that I hurt them but I actually feel it. Like it happened to me. Then, guess what sets in? GUILT and SHAME.

I feel like I am forever tortured by these emotions. It is the hardest thing to forgive yourself and let go of all the shame and guilt you carry for every little “bad” thing you did. I believe this is what drags me down the most.

Because it can become a vicious cycle. Guilt and shame lead to low self-worth. And low self-worth can cause over-compensated ego, which leads to more possible hurts. When you feel crappy about yourself, you’re extra defensive which leads to things like arguments, regrettable words used, etc.

It has been a long journey in dealing with my own self-worth, but when I stick to my energetic tools, it is quickly transformed. If you are interested in helping heal your low self-worth, check out my free gift here.

The Walls

I am sure many of you have heard of “walls” being put up in relationships. Well, I am a master at this. Even before I started with energy work, I did this all the time and pushed people away.

The reasons for this are a little complex and long stories- so I won’t get into it here. However, I will say that the basis to all them is FEAR. Fear of getting hurt in some way (abandoned, abused, etc.). In order to break any walls- trust needs to be present.

The weird thing is, is that the more spiritually and energetically aware I have become, the more I don’t trust people. WHY? Because I can see right through the layers of ego-ic bullsh*t. I can see why they are operating the way they are. I can also see how close or far away they are from breaking through that barrier to become clear and aware. And usually, they are pretty far.

You see, I would like to tell people in literally two sentences the bottom line of how their perspective needs to change and why but I can’t because all I will get is defense. So, if, and ONLY IF, they ask for my assistance (more so professionally), I will let them know the truth in a helpful and compassionate matter. BUT, I will only give them what I know they can handle (or what they are ready to let go of).

Needless to say, this actually created more walls in my relationships. Because your friends and family don’t want to hear the emotional, psychological, or energetic truth of their situation. I have to be EXTRA careful because most of the time, they are not asking for my advice.

Most people just want to be listened to (myself included, by the way- haha!). They don’t want to feel judged and they simply want a compassionate ear on the other side of the conversation. This, I can certainly do, but sometimes, (because of my own ego) it is difficult to “bite my tongue” and the wrong things come out, at the wrong time- eesh!

The 3 Ingredients to ANY Healthy Relationship

I am guessing you are reading this because you DO want some sort of advice on relationships, right? Can I assume you won’t get mad at me for offering tips on this subject? Sorry, that was my insecure, socially awkward-self talking. Ok, now back to business and little tough love 😛

In my experience, observation, and education/research, there are 3 very important ingredients that can help elicit a healthy relationship. Again, I am not necessarily an expert on how to fully put these into realization but, I do believe with a determined heart and practice, any relationship can be healed and transformed into something amazing!

Compassionate Listening

As said above, all people really want is someone to truly listen to them with compassion. This is really why most people get therapy of some sort because a therapist is trained to listen in this way. And your average person simply sucks at this skill. Especially in this technology-focused era where the phone rules many people’s attention.

So what IS compassionate listening? Well, in psychology there is a term called “active listening”. Active listening means not just “hearing” what the person is talking about, but actually hearing what the person is saying and responding in a manner that lets them know you have not only heard the words but, you are understanding them (or at least trying your best).

For example, your friend may be talking about her trip down south and complaining that it rained most of the time. Since a part of you may be jealous of the fact she even got to go on a trip, you may tune her out and hear only “something about trip..blah blah blah, too much rain, blah blah blah…”

Of course, you may get the gist of the story, but she will certainly feel unheard. She may even say, “Are you even listening?” As you are staring down at your phone. And then, she may even test you by asking you about a specific part of her story. Maybe she met a guy that helped her find shelter during a storm and now they have developed a relationship but its long distance and she needs advice. Which, could have been her whole point to the story.

We will never know what our friends, family members, co-workers, or partners are REALLY trying to communicate with us if we don’t truly listen actively and compassionately. This situation above could turn out in two ways: 1. A friend feeling unheard and unworthy of someone listening and, therefore a damaged relationship (especially if this is a regular occurrence) OR 2. A closer bond between friends and maybe a planned trip together in the future. 😉

How can you have listened actively? Well, first of all, put away any distractions (i.e. the phone, T.V.), make eye contact, and move your body language toward them (facing their direction, arms open vs. crossed, etc.). Most importantly, when there is a break in the story repeat back part of what they say and/or ask clarifying questions, such as, “Oh really, you met a guy? What did he look like?”

To learn more about actively listening, and improve your skills, I would suggest the book, “The Lost Art of Listening” by Michael P. Nichols. If you are having trouble getting over your anger or irritation levels in order to listen (which is often a hurdle for family and romantic relationships), I would suggest learning more about compassionate listening. Check out the book: Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames by Thich Nhat Hanh to learn more. Thich talks a lot about taking care of your anger, as well as developing the ability to listen with true compassion. Doing this can greatly heal your relationship with yourself and others, as kindness in itself is a healing attribute.

It takes effort but it is worth it- to have meaningful and deep relationships that are made of understanding and respectful communication. Is it not? Many people have said that without good relationships, living seems kind of pointless. So why are we so quick to damage these relationships? I think part of it is ignorance/not being conscious of what we are doing. Also, that there are not enough people teaching or putting importance on these skills. These skills are essential to having healthy relationships.

Being Vulnerable

Being vulnerable may be even more difficult to do then the compassionate listening. Probably because compassionate listening is a skill, not too many have. Knowing this, it makes sense that we don’t feel safe to open up about our true feelings and thoughts.

The best place to start is with people who you do trust or at least people that deserve the benefit of the doubt, because the relationship is important (i.e. your marriage). If, you feel they don’t have the best listening skills, ask to make a time where both of you can shut off distractions and give your full attention. Set up the space for good communication and let the person know why you feel it is important.

Working on these relationships first, before trying to cultivate other relationships will give you the confidence and skill needed to make other meaningful relationships. Just like, cultivating a loving relationship with yourself first is more important. And actually, easier than trying “fix” your outside relationships. This is because once you heal your relationship with yourself, the others will be a lot less work.

Being vulnerable is important because without being our true selves and being honest, our relationships will be built on lies, unrealistic expectations, resentments, and will simply be unfulfilling. And really what is the point of having fake and quite frankly, draining relationships?

Appreciation

Many of you probably have heard/ read about how important gratitude is to cultivate a meaningful and joyful life. Well, the same goes for extending this to our relationships with others. I don’t think there is a person out there who doesn’t appreciate being appreciated!

If you are waiting for other people to just show up and start voicing their appreciation for you, well you are probably are out of luck. Some things need to be initiated by yourself first. Who am I kidding? Probably most things that you want to change, will need to be initiated by you first.

My suggestion would be to start making a list. Write down the names of important people in your life. Next to each name list 3 things you really appreciate them. You can take it further by making a whole journal dedicated to this, such as this awesome eco-friendly one.

Now, it may take some vulnerability, but find a way to communicate these things to each person (without expecting anything in return). If it is difficult to verbalize, first try writing it to them. Then after some practice, be sure to say these words of gratitude in-person. As it makes much more of an impact when said face-to-face and verbally.

When someone is appreciated, they are much more likely to exhibit those same attributes that were shown to be appreciated. This is a win-win situation for both parties in the relationship. On the one hand, it feels good to concentrate on positive things about our loved ones and on the other, it feels good to see someone you care about feel appreciated and loved. Plus, the bonus of them continuing behaviors that you really like. And, of course, the person who you are appreciating feels valued, which is a great gift. Overall, this can boost the self-esteem of yourself and the other person.

Our Biggest Obstacle and a Gift to Work Through it

Let me ask you a question: Do you find yourself on the defensive mode in relationships and, equally find others in that mode as well? Me too (as I so openly noted earlier). I also noticed that it starts a lot of fights. This is because it comes from an ego-based state of mind.

Why are our egos so easily offended or get easily “set off”? Well, unfortunately, it is the nature of them. As they stem from our deep-seated fears and low self-worth. The less self-worth we have the more easily and quickly we are to come to our own defense. From this place, we can’t accurately assess the situation and make the necessary choices (like compassionate listening). This is for the best outcome of that conversation or the relationship in general.

This is why I would like to offer a free gift that I have found very helpful in dealing with my own self-esteem issues. Once we are able to heal some of this pain, it makes it is much easier to execute the behaviors above and make the most out of our relationships.

Today, give the greatest gift you can give yourself and a loved one: the gift of healing. This will allow you to make way for beautiful, loving and truly fulfilling relationships.

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Thankful for You: A Love Letter of Gratitude

November 21, 2017

Personal Development Spirituality

Although this post contains affiliate links, all opinions are my own. Please see the Disclaimer page for more information.

A Calling

I don’t usually get too personal with blog posts, but I had a little voice in my head and a deep-seated feeling within my whole being to be an example of vulnerability, truth and of course, gratitude this week.

As some of you may know, being a “sensi-seeker”, or what some may call an empath or even a “highly sensitive person”, it is not easy for us to put our heart out there. We will be the first ones to be there for another and listen with a compassionate ear. However, since the pain of rejection (and similar repercussions) of being vulnerable are at stake, we keep a guard up, a lot of the time.

Well, in honor of Thanksgiving week, and Canada’s Thanksgiving last month (as I am Canadian), I am going to write a love letter to everyone I know and don’t know. The ultimate act of gratitude.

What Inspired Me

Recently, I have been reading the book, “Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames” by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk, and spiritual teacher. In the last few years, I have been struggling with my anger and trying to learn how to deal with it in a truly healthy way. I tried “expressing” it through hitting a pillow, etc. like many therapists recommend but it never got better. If anything, I felt like it was getting worse. Thich also talks about this very dangerous method in Chapter Nine, and what to do instead.

I hated feeling this way towards others and myself. When I looked up self-help books for anger, I decided to try a different route, a more spiritual route. And let me tell you, even if you don’t have any anger, this book is amazingly transformative. It teaches you how to turn your negative feelings into peaceful ones and at the same time, heal your relationships.

Gratitude Will Save You

So what does this have to do with Thanksgiving? Well, first of all, holidays are filled with events involving family and friends, which can trigger A LOT of emotions, such as anger. Needless to say, this book could be a lifesaver.

More specifically, at one point it talks about Love Letters and that it is a lost practice. And I don’t just mean between lovers, but friends, family members etc. It tells a story about a woman who is in a broken marriage but while her husband is away for work, she discovers old love letters. Reading these love letters, “she watered the seeds of happiness within herself.”

It talks about this “watering” a lot throughout the book. Basically, to elicit more happiness, you have to water (give loving attention) to the happiness, instead of the suffering within us (which many of us do instead). We focus on what people aren’t doing for us, instead of APPRECIATING how they enrich our lives.

The Heart Sutra

After reading these letters, of course, this woman is inspired to write a love letter to her husband, with the intention of watering his seeds of happiness and thus, begin healing their relationship.

Thich also talks about creating a “heart sutra” that is yours and using these moments of gratitude (when you are so thankful for that other person in your life that you are full of compassion and love). He says it is not enough to just say to them verbally you are thankful for them. He says it is better to go to a quiet space and put your whole being in that feeling and write these loving feelings down.

Basically, this way you are using this very high and positive vibration to transform your inner-being. This way it can awaken within you more regularly. The plant of happiness, gratitude, compassion, and love can then fully blossom. “The moment of gratitude is a moment of enlightenment, of mindfulness, of intelligence.”

Furthermore, he advises, keeping this “heart sutra” close by, so in moments of anger or other negative emotions, (when you forget your true “Buddha” nature) you can remember and again, water the seeds of happiness instead.

This is what this letter is. It is my heart sutra to everyone and everything. I will privately write ones for specific people (especially the ones I have troubled relationships with) but for now, I wanted to awaken the loving power of gratitude, and hopefully inspire others to do the same.

The Letter

Dear those of you who I love, loved before, disliked, hated and don’t even know,

Thank you for your presence. Thank you for being here on Earth, at this moment. I know it probably has been a hard journey. Each day you wake up, is a gift. There are reasons why you are here. If you don’t know them, and even if others don’t know them, it does not matter.

Every day, you are brave enough to face whatever it has for you in store. Every day, every moment you are alive has value. Your presence matters. You affect others and others affect you. We can never live a day where our presence does not matter. Even if you are sleeping in a room all day and do not interact with anyone, you still are shaping the world around you.

Without each unique presence, the world cannot be the way it is. The world is the way it is because of every living and non—living thing. Good or bad, it does not matter because, through every moment, there are lessons to be learned and growth for humanity to be accomplished.

Thank you to every person who I thought or think hurts me. Thank you for teaching me about me. Thank you for allowing me to realize the duality of the universe. Thank you for teaching me to have compassion for my own “dark” side. For I too, have judged too harshly, made inconsiderate comments and felt enraged. Out of destruction, comes creation and this is the most important lesson I can learn.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to create a more dynamic, and enlightened self. Without you, I would be lost in the long search of seeking perfection, on all levels. When the truth is we can’t be in bliss all the time through seeking pleasures and outside perfection. Only through the destruction of the self, can we access our true nature and bliss.

Thank you to every kind, compassionate, generous, authentic, loving, and over-all, inspiring living and non-living thing. You mirror to me, what my true and blissful self is. Without you, I would be lost in darkness and never know how to find my way out.

Without you, there would be no hope, faith or certainty of anything to truly aspire to. You warm my heart and soul and every other person or thing that comes into contact with you.

Thank you for your light and humorous nature. Always teaching me to not be too serious. To be playful, innocent and kind-hearted. Laughter has always been a healing act for myself and I am sure many others. Without you, life would be heavy and the ego would be all-encompassing. Keep teaching us to laugh at life and at ourselves. As we are as insignificant, as we are significant.

Although this is included in the above, a special thank you to Mother Nature. For this, is ALL of our true nature. Destruction and creation, hot and cold, water and fire, windy and calm, night and day. How boring would everything be without this beautiful and natural way? Thank you for teaching me that change is constant and inevitable. Thank you for teaching me to be brave and to stay true to the same intelligence that lies within you, as it is also within me.

I am so grateful to every person who I have come into contact with. You shaped who I am. And, although I probably never told you, my day was enriched because of you. Whether you were driving a little too slow for my liking, or whether you were the kind stranger that paid for my coffee, I can’t thank you enough for teaching me in that moment something about myself, about nature, about humanity, and about the universe.

Never underestimate the value you hold. Every small act, thought, or word spoken can and does affect everyone and everything. You will never know how perfectly significant and insignificant you are. It does not matter.

Even if I am the only person who ever tells you this, please trust me when I say: You ARE one of life’s most precious gifts, because you embody life’s most precious gifts (i.e. love, creation, etc.). We are gifts to each other, now and forever.

Peace, Love, and Light, always,

Sarah -Heart Dancer Womin- (given Native name)

Your Turn

Even if you don’t do anything this holiday season. Even if you give no one gifts and you go to no parties. It does not matter. What matters most is awakening and realizing your compassionate and true nature. As this will be the greatest act of love for yourself, people around you and humanity at large. This letter has brought me to tears of ecstasy. I wish the same for you. But not from reading my letter, but from creating your own.

Thich says that the original Heart Sutra is a scripture that Buddhists chant over and over to enlighten the Buddha within, as it is the essence of Buddha’s teachings. However, suggesting to us that we create our own heart sutra(s) can be far more impactful and transformative, as “it comes from your heart- not from the heart of a Bodhisattva or the Buddha, but from your own heart. It is your Heart Sutra.”

Gratitude List vs. Gratitude Letter

I am sure many of you have heard of gratitude lists, journals, and challenges- where usually you are to write down what you are thankful for, more in a point form manner. This is a very powerful process, especially if you also write down WHY you are grateful for those specific things or people.

I have done both the list way and the above letter method, quite a few times (the letter form, most of the time without even realizing I did so). And what I have found, especially after doing the intentional letter above, I found a gratitude love letter to be much more powerful. As I was writing it and every time I read it, I feel a very deep love, connection to all that is and what it really means to be and feel compassionate.

I don’t suggest you never doing the list-way, as it is very helpful and convenient when done as a short daily task, but I think it is important to at least write one love letter of gratitude. Even better, do several for specific people or things/situations. Remember it is easiest and most impactful if you do so in the moments that naturally come when you feel overwhelming gratitude. The more you practice this skill of compassion, the more it will show up in your life- for others and for yourself. It is the most powerful tool for living a truly joyful life.

Pass it On

I am not typically so blatant in my requests but, I am asking you, as my readers to share this article. Why? Well, this article is a bit different because it includes a letter to not only my readers who stumble upon my work, but it is meant for literally everyone. I am sure it cannot get to everyone. But this is my intention: to have this divine love that was spoken through me to be heard by all. And to give everyone a chance to experience this great compassion for themselves, through the writing process suggested.

Even if they don’t hear it from me, I really don’t care. My hope is that they hear and feel it anyway. It is not explainable in words, the type of love that is created out of practices such as this. And, as cliché as it may sound, everyone deserves to be loved, and truly feel it in its purest form: compassion.

If you feel inspired on any level, please share this wherever you feel comfortable. Also, if you take the time to write your own Heart Sutra please comment below. Or, send me a private message with your results. I would love to hear!

And, one more thing…writing in general, has been extremely helpful for me in my healing journey. If you would like to learn more about other writing techniques that can heal your inner-being and bring more joy and peace into your life, then you will love this free 5-part e-mail writing course, that I created just for brave souls like yourself! So, get your pen out (or should I say wand?) and begin your beautiful transformation today.

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Making the Best of It: How to Feel Good Even When it’s Bad

November 6, 2017

Energy Therapy Personal Development

Taking Control

My life has not always been kittens and rainbows, nor is it now. However, my ability to make it at least feel that way over and over after difficult times has gotten quite impressive. It is very liberating to actually feel somewhat in control of your life. Not, in a dictatorship-type way, but in a way that says, “Yes, I can make a difference”. You can’t control people or situations but you CAN control yourself and how you positively influence people and situations.

Life seems to always throw some hard balls our way but, it is how we receive them is what really counts. No matter what the situation is, you can always make the best of it. Even if you have to wait until the situation is over to make the “best of it”, then so it is.

Even during the most dreadful times- for instance, being abused in some way- we can at least take a lesson away from it. You may have to dig really deep but trust me- it’s there. For example, you may need to stick up for yourself to teach people how to treat you better. That way people will be less likely to attack you. This might seem extremely difficult to do but keep in mind, that no matter what the situation is, it will be much worse in the future if you only take the negative.

The Self-Created Bad “Situation”

Often we feel like something is happening TO us. That the circumstances around us are making us feel bad. But sometimes the scariest place to be is when you feel really crappy and can’t pinpoint why. You can’t say to people “well, such and such just happened so that is why I am in a bad mood.”

When you don’t have an excuse, it can be even more dangerous if you don’t know how to deal with it. This is because you can get stuck in the “beating yourself up” loop: Where you feel bad, for feeling bad!

This could be happening for several reasons and one serious reason is being depressed. If you suspect this at all, I strongly advise you to seek the counsel of your choice. There is no shame in this. The people that care about you much rather see you seek help then go down a dangerous path of self-destruction. You matter and your life matters!!

The Reason You May Not Suspect

Although, some people may go straight to the “oh, there must be something physically wrong with me” stage and blame their bad moods on hormones, etc. I want you to hear me out for a minute or so.

I have another possibility that is rarely talked about. This is regarding the ability to take on negative energy. If you consider yourself an “empath” or HSP (highly sensitive person) you already will be aware of this. It is when “bad” things are happening around you and you take on the negative energy from it- you somehow make it your own. Or, this can happen when people that are carrying negative energy and unintentionally dump it on you.

As a possible empath, it may actually be in your destiny to use this ability to help heal others. However, if you are not being paid for a healing service, it is in no way, shape or form, your responsibility to deal with this negative energy.

So what can you do about it? Well, there are several things (some of which I discuss below) but one of my favourite and simple tools to deal with this specific type of negative energy is stating an affirmation. For example, something like the following: “I send this energy (that is not mine) back to its source, for the benefit of the highest good.”

To incorporate this in the most effective way first put your hand on your heart and take a few deep breathes and say this statement (silently and several times if needed) every time you feel like you are carrying a lot of “baggage” that isn’t yours.

The Dark Vacuum

I also want to reiterate the fact that by only focusing on the negative and letting the negative take over you, dark energy is created around you, and if only darkness is in your energy, it will be more difficult for the light energy to find you.

By making the best of it and trying to find something positive out of a situation, you are encouraging the light to be created and for more of it to be attracted to you and your energy field. Over time, you will be more of a magnet for this positive and light energy, rather than the negative and heavy energy.

In times when it is difficult to find something positive, think of something that is very basic to be thankful for, like the fact you are still alive. Even just focusing on this and allowing the gratitude to grow, you will be able to open your heart to a loving energy which will encompass you instead. Doing a short meditation by visioning what this positive energy would look like in detail (colour, texture, and temperature) will increase this positive impact even more.

Allowing the Light In

Some other ways that can help you make the best of it in bad situations would be to ask yourself the following questions and then appreciate the answers;

Could it be worse? This first question is to put things in perspective. For example, if your situation is not being a starving child in a war-ridden country with no parents (or something equally or much worse) then the answer should always be “YES, it could be worse”.
What can I learn from this? This question is to get you to reflect on how you can make it better next time or choose to not have a next time. Also, this is so that you feel like you “get” something out of the circumstance.
What aspects of this situation are humorous? This can also change your perspective and help you learn to laugh at yourself or, understand how ridiculous other people can be and not take offense.
Can I make it better? Empower yourself by creating solutions. Instead of using up your energy on complaining about the situation; use this opportunity to create something of value. If there really is nothing you can do, besides asking yourself these questions, then say the following: “Even though there is nothing I can personally do to change this situation right now, I lovingly accept myself and what IS. I will allow myself and others to be at peace, and by doing so, at the very least, I will not make the situation worse”. You may not realize but even doing this IS doing something to make it better!
Am I still alive? This last question is usually for the extra difficult situation as I discussed earlier to help you reach for something that you can be grateful for.

Get Out of Resistance

You may notice that even before you review these questions you will have a lot of resistance come up. Meaning, your mind will start playing games with you, and tell you to not bother because your situation is so bad, there can’t possibly be good in it. This happens because our minds are hard-wired with many negative thinking habits that keep us stuck.

To get out of this resistance try the following steps:

Say “STOP” silently in your mind: Saying this will help stop the habitual mind chatter.
Redirect its focus: Take a deep breath and allow your mind calm. Focus on this breathe intently.
Remember these are just THOUGHTS: They are not the real They are your ego- wanting to keep you stuck so it can feel safe. But your real self, knows better: that it is safe to let go, and that it is actually MORE beneficial to change these negative thought patterns, then it is to leave them as is.
Help your mind create a new, more positive habit: Go through the first sequence of questions above.

Ask For Help

If you are still having difficulty making the best of a situation by going through these steps, it could be mean they you need assistance through practices such as Energy Therapy. Energy Therapy can help release the energy around these thought patterns. Also, it would help greatly in creating new, more positive habits, and therefore create better situations in the future. To see more information about my Energy Therapy and Coaching Services, please visit the “At Your Service” pages.

Bonus Tip: Always a Choice

A very crucial point in helping you to get a place where you are making the best out of every situation is by shifting your perspective. From believing that there is no way out of your “bad” situation to realizing you have the power to make the choice to improve it.

One of my favourite movies is “Dangerous Minds” which is about a teacher who inspires her teenage students, despite their lives being surrounded by negativity such as drugs, gangs, poverty, and violence. The quote that has most inspired me was when she told them, “There are no victims in this classroom.” Before she states this she is speaking with the students and trying to convince them that they have a choice to “get on that bus.” To view the scene, click here.Or, better yet- watch the entire movie!

Stop Being A Victim

I believe the real point she is trying to make here, is that people always fall victim to their own lives by focusing on the negative and giving up hope. Even though it takes a lot of courage to make the “right” choice – it is very rewarding in the end. And unfortunately in order to get to this rewarding place we have to make these difficult choices.

Some people may disagree with me on what I think she is trying to say in this scene but it is something that has stuck with me for years. Don’t get me wrong, having this philosophy and implementing it into your life is very different and can be a challenge. But once you make this most important decision, you are choosing to be empowered. And from an empowered state, you can transform your life immensely.

For instance, if one of those students choose to “get on that bus” by working hard in school, getting good grades, then getting a scholarship to a college, then attending that college, then choosing to find a career that will fulfill them- they would then be able to live in a safe neighbourhood, support a family, travel or whatever their heart desires. Sounds easy, right? Well, of course, it is much easier said than done but as I stated before it would be worth it.

Dissolving the Clouds

Sometimes when we are facing a challenge or multiple challenges our judgment can be clouded and we end up making the “wrong” choice or the one that is not best for us. One of the first steps in getting your mind and spirit into this clear place is practicing activities that will allow for healing. Once the gunk is removed from your psyche and energy field- the right choice will be clear as day.

As mentioned above the clarity questions can help with this. But also, certain tools, such as EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) can make a huge difference in getting you back on track. If you would like to learn how to do this for yourself, be sure to download my free gift, “The Ultimate Guide to Emotional Freedom” where you learn how to release any negative thought pattern, and rewire your brain to believe something more positive.

Or, another very helpful tool would be the “Express Energy Healing Guide” that implements EFT and Chakra healing which benefits the mind, body, and soul on all aspects. It works on each chakra to help you release the negative energy that fuels those unhelpful thought habits.

Be sure to comment below and let me know what your unique struggles are with “making the best of it”. I would also love to hear your thoughts and/or feedback on the exercises above!

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Achieve Your Life Goals: Find Your Inner-Motivator (Part 2)

July 17, 2017

Personal Development

Part 2: Getting it Done- the Heart-Based Way

Before proceeding I would like to encourage you to read Part 1: Get Clear and Determine Your True Goals, of this post, as the two posts build on each other and things will make a lot more sense that way.

Use Your WHYS to Fuel Your Goals

Once you get past your fears a little, then you can allow yourself to get excited about your goals, and the happy end-results (your whys). Having this internal motivation will help you get and stay motivated to complete any necessary tasks.

For instance, say you planned to do a task for your new business but aren’t really feeling the mojo to get it going—read/think of your whys. You may have wanted to start your business so you can be your own boss and have more freedom with your schedule. Reminding yourself of this why will surely boost your motivation, and help keep you focused on achieving your goals.

However, simply thinking of this why may not be enough. When running your own business, you definitely need some degree of discipline in order to get stuff done. To allow your whys to even further help you do this, start taking smalls steps that are in line with your “why”, for example, the “time freedom” reason above.

In this case, take a close look at everything that needs to get done and things you WANT to do. Practice creating the balance you desire. For instance, you could do the business task right away to get it off the table, so you can go have lunch with a friend. Or maybe you really need to de-stress, so instead, you go to a yoga class and have a shower first. Afterward, you may feel more clear and energized to complete the task.

Use your whys to not only help you get motivated to achieve your goals but also use them as a guide to how you want to live your life. It takes time to create new habits, but with practice, you will start to see yourself already creating the life you want before you even get the goals achieved!

How to Use Your Intuition for the Next “Right” Task

Let’s go back full circle to creating a space that allows you to come up with your clear goals and your whys (i.e. meditation). This is also necessary for determining the next “right” action. So many people simply get stuck in achieving their goals because they are not sure what the next “right” step is.

First of all, let’s talk about the word “right.” There really is no “right” answer. One person may think you should do one thing but then another may think you should do the complete opposite. It is more important to become clear on who YOU are, what YOU want and how YOU want to live your life. And stop listening to others.

I know that means me too, and I am OK with that. My wish is that everyone achieves great spiritual awareness and joy so that they don’t have to listen to anyone else. That they will be able to access the wealth of knowledge, wisdom, and information available in their own hearts and spirits. Because if everyone came from that place, there simply would be less suffering in the world in general.

Your Superpower: Intuition

OK, so let’s get back to HOW we can develop this superpower called intuition. I mentioned meditation which is great, but not everyone is on board with that idea, or they feel like they don’t have the time.

If it is the first reason (i.e. you feel like meditation is not for you), find some other activity (walking, etc.) that allows you be mindful, present and aware. Something that helps you quiet the mind and feeds your spirit.

If it is the second, reason (i.e. you think you don’t have the time to meditate): MAKE TIME. Seriously, I don’t tolerate excuses. Being a stay-at-home-mom, especially when my little one was an infant, left me feeling like I had no time and no energy. However, I knew from the piles of evidence, that meditation (or something similar) would do me a world of good. So, I figured it out AND it did do me a world of good!

Some days, this just means sitting on my balcony, in the sunlight, deep breathing, and closing my eyes for a couple minutes while my daughter plays with her toys. And if I’m not able to get into an actual “full” meditation (at least 10-15 min), I do mini ones like the one above throughout the day. Or, I will do a mindful activity like going for a walk with my daughter.

Mindful activities are a part of self-care. It allows you to be more relaxed, less stressed, more energized, more at peace, have a clearer mind to problem solve better, etc. However, I also encourage other activities that are considered self-care and which many would call “me” time.

Such activities can include; journaling, exercising, doing artwork or other creative activities, learning to play a musical instrument, or how to speak another language, etc.

Self-care is the foundation to getting your goals achieved. Not just because it helps you determine what they are and your whys, but also because it helps you take actions that will get you closer to your goals.

An example of this would be in times where you really feel out-of-sync, lost and/or “blah.” You feel confused on what the next “right” action would be. So what do you do? Do you force yourself to complete a task that may end up being a waste of time? NO! You carve out some “me” time—do some self-reflection, ask your INTUITION and it will tell you the next step.

The answer may even seem ridiculous, like “call Mary, your best friend,” who might not know anything about what needs to be done to accomplish your goal. But maybe, she’ll make you laugh, relieve some stress or anxiety. Then, she may even end up telling you about an awesome site she came across that ends up being a perfect resource which allows you to figure out your “right” next step.

Also, another benefit for taking some time out when you are not feeling motivated is that you will be well-rested and ready to be super productive once that inspiration hits.

Don’t Waste your “Juice”

That is another thing—don’t waste your motivation “juice” when you do get it. Once you become clear on something and your intuition nudges you to do something and you feel excited, do your best to execute those tasks in the moment, or at least that day when they are fresh. If you can’t, for whatever reason, at least write it down and put it somewhere you can see it (so you can remember). These are prime opportunities—the universe, God or whatever higher power you believe in, is telling you it is the right time to take action on this, and it will help you achieve your goals.

If the inspiration is a big one, such as “create a clothing line”—Well, obviously you can’t complete all the tasks necessary to do this in even one month, never mind one day. Therefore, do at least one little task that day that contributes towards the ultimate goal. For example, sketch out a design of a shirt, or brainstorm ideas for the name of the clothing line.

You don’t always have to do EVERYTHING in a short amount of time. Remember, time is an illusion and if you are following your intuition everything will be accomplished in the right “time” for the right reason, anyway!

Trust, Trust, Trust

I understand to do things in the ways mentioned above, requires a great amount of trust—in yourself, in a higher power, in other people, and in this world at large. But at the end of the day, you don’t need to worry about any other factor than YOU. In the end, you want to be able to say, “I did my part, I held up my end of the bargain, I contributed, I tried and tried and tried again, in many different ways for many different causes.” The rest is to be surrendered. The rest is not up to you. The rest will turn out, and at the very least, it will be OK and for your best growth. That is IF you follow your own inner-guidance and access your intuitive superpower.

To best help you accomplish these exercises and your goals, I have created a free worksheet that will allow you to go through the exercises step-by-step, PLUS more! This is so you can figure out your goals and whys, access your inner-motivator, get things done, and move that much closer to your goals! Click the button below for access!!

Also, if you have any questions, inspirations, general comments, I would love to hear them! Be sure to write them below!

Inner-Motivator Worksheet

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Achieve Your Life Goals: Find Your Inner-Motivator!

July 8, 2017

Personal Development

Part 1: Get Clear and Determine Your TRUE Goals

Is It Even Possible??

I don’t know about you, but I know very few people who have achieved all or most of their life goals. Thinking about this may be upsetting and even downright disheartening. How can I achieve my life goals, when I don’t even know anyone who has?

First, let’s talk about perception. If you ask everyone you know if they have achieved all or most of their life goals, their answers may surprise you. Maybe on the surface, it looks like they have, but really they have not. Or, maybe they actually have achieved a lot but don’t show it. We all perceive success differently, and we all have varying life goals.

The most important step and the first one to achieving your own life goals is to stop comparing yourself to others! It is irrelevant whether or not they have achieved their life goals. You won’t get anywhere if you are always looking to others, instead of concentrating on your own life.

The second step is to change your own perception on what even success or achieving these life goals mean. Maybe your life goals are a little far-fetched, take time, hard work, and possibly blood, sweat and tears to achieve them. For instance, the goal of becoming a millionaire. In this case, maybe you need to really look at what you have achieved so far to get there and celebrate those smaller wins.

Reconsider and Allow Change

Or, maybe your goals need a complete re-vamping because they simply aren’t in-line with who you are anymore. Maybe when you were a teenager you thought for sure you wanted to become a lawyer. But after school and having some work experience, you realize it does not match your personality.

Also, take your life circumstances into consideration. Maybe you had to overcome a learning disability, or, you came from a poor family. On the outside, it may not look like you achieved much, but overcoming adversity is one of the hardest things to get through in life and deserves way more recognition and celebration.

Remember, it is more than okay to change your life goals. However, to help avoid doing this too often, (and avoid feeling like you never achieve anything), here are some steps to help you A) Get clear on what you truly you want and your goals, and B) Start achieving them!

Write down your current goals—even the “old” ones that seem to have stuck in the back of your mind for a long time.
Look them over and see what some similar factors are. For instance, maybe it is all about creating a happy, healthy home and family. Highlight and/or write down these words as they come up and how you can link them together.
Ask yourself WHY you have these goals. I recommend doing a brief meditation to help you get clear on these WHYS. Envision yourself achieving these goals. What major feelings come up? Is it love, connection, freedom, etc? In the end, we all strive to achieve certain goals because it gives us something else in return which translates into what happiness means to us. i.e. financial freedom, more time with family, etc. Keep in mind, there could be a few layers to your goals.
Let’s look at a direct example, to give you a more clear idea. Asking someone: What is your career goal?

Layer 1: Graduate law school—WHY?

Layer 2: To become a lawyer—WHY?

Layer 3: To earn a substantial income—WHY?

Layer 4: To have the freedom to buy an awesome house, nice car, travel, etc. WHY?

Layer 5: To enjoy life (which in essence equals happiness)

Okay, so let’s look at this realistically though. Often lawyers can have long hours and stressful situations to deal with. Therefore, you may have the freedom to buy those things, but will you have the freedom to actually enjoy them and enjoy them with people who you love?

In this instance, to this person, I would ask: “What career could you do that may get you the same result, but be even better?” To be more specific, a career that would also A) be something you enjoy that allows you to have more time on your hands, and B) be something you really feel you can sink your teeth into and makes you feel like you are contributing somehow.

What do you Really Want?

I’m not saying being a lawyer can’t bring you happiness and make you feel like you have a purpose, but it is the individual that determines that. For instance, another person’s layer for this same goal may read they want to be a lawyer so they can defend victims of sexual crimes, and they want to dedicate their lives to this cause. This will bring them happiness because they are fulfilling a purpose that is in-line with who they are. The secondary benefit to them may then be to earn a decent living.

Most of us want nice things and more freedom. But choosing a career path needs to be about more than survival and achieving only the niceties in life because you spend most of your life doing your “job.” What is the point if you spend 20, 30, 40+ hours a week doing something you hate and don’t believe in just for the money? It will seriously rob your soul and your happiness.

Another thing to consider is maybe TIME freedom is truly more important to you. For example, the freedom to explore the world and/or spend lots of quality time with family and friends. You may be surprised to know, you don’t need to be rich in money to have this. It can help, but usually, people are sacrificing their TIME for money. So then, they actually never truly get what their heart desires because they don’t have the time for it.

So I hope it doesn’t sound like I am telling you what your goals should be. But, I do hope this helped you get clearer as to what your WHYS are, and therefore help determine what your happiness-inspired goals are.

Overcome Your Fears

Now that you are clear on what your TRUE life goals are, let’s move on to get them accomplished! Ironically, this article has been taking me longer than any other to complete, because I am finding it hard to find the motivation to finish it. It is not that I don’t believe in its message, and it’s not even something like writer’s block. I just have felt tired even thinking about doing it, and writing normally feels energizing for me—not the opposite.

So I had to ask myself, “Why is this article so hard for me to write.” I then realized it was because motivation is actually something I have struggled with my whole life. Therefore, I feel inferior teaching about it. This feeling then leads to the whole “not-good-enough” syndrome, which is one of my main thought-habit battles.

I will leave that topic for another day, but my point here is to use it as an example of what stops us from taking the actions necessary to accomplish our goals. In observation of my own life and others, it is that FEAR that gets the best of us. But is it not the type of fear you might suspect. You may not even realize it is fear.

For example, my “not-good-enough” syndrome is derived from the fear of not being accepted and loved. Because I’m in awareness I ask myself, “good enough for what or whom?” And the answer is silent, or “I don’t know.” I could answer, “People in general,” but that is kind of a lame answer. So then I think, “my family or my readers?” Ok, well, family is supposed to love you unconditionally; so really if they do not accept me because I am trying to inspire others, then…why would I want their acceptance?? As for my readers, obviously, if they are reading it they are already interested in the content—DUH. So there you have it, my fear is debunked!!

Becoming aware and asking yourself these types of questions, allows you to really get to the root of your fear and hopefully debunk them with common sense, so you can feel OK again to move on to achieving your goals.

You can Achieve only if you Try

Although a little cliché, one of my favourite questions for this is “WHAT IS THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN?” Let’s take the lawyer example again. Maybe you are just at the beginning and you need to go ahead and apply to law school. But, you feel drained from the stress of worrying about the outcome. Maybe you fear you won’t get in. Well, if you ask yourself the above question—the worst that can happen is that you won’t get in. BUT guess what? You DEFINITELY won’t, if you don’t TRY! So, there you go, you might as well try because if you don’t, your worst fear will happen anyway.

Also, keep in mind that if you do try and your worst fear becomes a reality, you can always try again to the same school or another one. OR, you can take some time off of school and work in a law office to make sure it really is a good fit. Maybe it turns out it was not, so that worst fear becoming a reality, may end up becoming a HUGE blessing because you didn’t waste time and money on something that was not even for you!

Stay Tuned & Free Gift

I got so carried away with writing this article after overcoming my fear that I made it SUPER long—ha! So, I am splitting it into two parts so you can really take your time to digest the information. Be sure to check back next week for the 2^nd part of this article, “Getting it Done—the Heart-Based Way” so you can slay your goals! [UPDATE: Part 2 is now available to read here.]

In the meantime, I have a special free gift, which incorporates the exercises from this article and the 2^nd part. Even though it does include the 2^nd part exercises, I encourage you to only finish part one exercises this week. And then move on to the other ones after another week (or at least a few days). This allows you time to get even clearer about your goals and your WHYS before jumping onto any kind of action plan.

For now, I would love to hear some of your WHYS and awesome goals that you came up with below! Also, remember I am only a message away for any assistance!

Inner-Motivator Worksheet

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3 Ways to (En)lighten Up

June 12, 2017

Personal Development Spirituality

Desperate to Lighten Up

OK, so I seriously need some laughs after the last few days. I am dealing with some hormonal issues, (no, I am not pregnant…that I know of?), and have gone through a rollercoaster of emotions. I wish I could blame my irritability and crying spells on just my PMS, but let’s get real here—sometimes we hold onto our emotions for weeks and eventually they have to come out.

In fact, women actually benefit from getting hormonal once a month. Yes, I said benefit. Why? Well, because it forces us to look at our issues and what has been bothering us. And of course, it allows our emotions to be so overwhelming that it has to be released. As long as we can learn to do this in a healthy way, with no innocent by-standers—it’s all good. That way, we are less likely to keep all of our emotions and issues shoved down. This, energetically speaking, means we are less likely to create illness within ourselves. I say “energetically” because our negative thoughts and emotions create negative energy in our bodies and actually get stuck there. If held on for too long, this eventually results in sickness. Perhaps this monthly releasing is the reason women have a longer life expectancy? Hmm….

Although this release of emotions can be a good thing, we also have to keep in mind to not let it run our lives! Release it, let it go, and then for your own sake, move on to happier emotions and experiences. I know how hard it can be to do this, especially when you have reached a depth where it feels like you can get out. Even still, we need to remember that we DID always end up on the other side. No matter how long it took.

3 Ways to Lighten Up

OK, so here are some ways that can help us get there even faster. I thought about writing simple things, such as; watch a good comedy or listen to pop music; however, those are obvious items you could come up with yourself. So, here are some ways, you may not have thought of:

Imagine you are on the screen: Have you ever watched an extremely dramatic show, (possibly with bad acting), that actually made you laugh? Well, I encourage you to look at yourself for a minute and imagine that it is a TV show. Removing yourself from the situation to try and see it from an outside perspective could not only bring more awareness to the situation, and therefore bring solutions to the possible problem, but can also probably give you a good laugh too.
Think of someone funny or hang out with them: Think back to one of your funniest friends or family members that made you laugh so hard you thought you were going to pee yourself. I guarantee it will make you smile. Better yet, call, text, message or even stalk them on Facebook, (I’m sure they have some funny posts). Ok, I am kidding about the last one, but seriously, see if they are available for a much-needed pick-me-up. I find talking to someone like this about the situation may seem counterproductive at first. Due to their non-serious nature, they are probably guaranteed to crack some jokes about it. But, if you call them with the intention of wanting to get a good belly laugh and release the stress, you’re less likely to be offended, and actually, be welcoming. I have noticed as well, that the first few hits may not seem to make a dent but before you know it, you are laughing along.
Connect with your inner child: I consider myself lucky because I have an adorable toddler that is so funny, I can’t help but smile in her presence (unless of course, she is having a “moment” too, ha!). And she is usually my go-to “funny” person I hang out with or think of. Although this is beneficial—because I get to play with her and her toys, sing silly songs, read cute books which can appeal to my inner child too—I am still in mom-mode. So when I say, connect with your inner-child, I really mean the part of you that is child-like in nature. This part also gets triggered by situations that tie into negative past experiences you have encountered as a child. In fact, this may be the whole reason you are on an emotional rollercoaster, to begin with. Children, especially very young ones, do not have the ability to process or control their emotions.

There are many ways you can connect with your inner-child. In fact, therapists often use these methods to help heal the inner child and therefore heal you. However, for the purpose of this post, I will explain a simple and fun way. First, think of something that you loved to do when you were a child, preferably something creative (which gives an extra healing touch) and do it! Better yet, ask you inner-child what it wants to do that will also help heal and be fun at the same time. You can ask by writing the question on paper with your dominant writing hand. Then, answer with your non-dominant hand.

Why it helps Enlightenment

I find sometimes spiritual institutions and/or people can take themselves too seriously. Following strict rules, while oppressing our inner-children and creative urges, is honestly the opposite of what we should be doing to get closer to enlightenment. One of our biggest obstacles is the stress we create in our minds. Learning to laugh at ourselves, having good clean fun (no addictive substance needed!) and realizing we are just humans doing the best we can, will lead to forgiveness of ourselves and others, and a lot more love. And isn’t love supposed to be the highest vibration? You know, the one we are trying to get to and why we are seeking towards enlightenment? Yes, I thought so. 🙂

What are your favourite ways for en(lightening) up? Please let me know in the comments below! Or, check out our free products for more tools and techniques that will get you en(lightened) up!

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Give it up…Your Expectations, That is!

May 24, 2017

Conscious Parenting Personal Development

Where they come from

If you have been browsing this site, you may have realized that I consider myself (what I like to call), a sensi-seeker. For more information on what this is, please see this post. Being this type of person, I have come to the conclusion that being kind-hearted usually follows close behind, as we have a great ability to see “the best” in others.

We come from a level of understanding, and often give someone the benefit of the doubt. We say things like, “maybe they just had a rough day.” We assume whatever negativity that was expressed was not their true self, but rather just a temporary glitch. We can pick up on their true heart’s desire and see they are not much different than ourselves.

However, there is a great setback in this, for yourself and others. Not the “being kind” part, although this can be a danger too since we can have the tendency to be walked all over. However, I will save that topic for another day. The setback I am speaking of is having too high of expectations. This can lead to let-downs and a host of other problems.

First, let’s talk about WHY this is the case in the first place. Well, let me ask you a question, “Do you have high standards for yourself?” I’m going to safely guess that your answer was a resounding “YES!”

Seeing the potential in ourselves and others can be a great strength to have. However, this can easily morph into expecting this potential to be realized and expressed. When more often than not, because we are still mere humans, this is not the case. Especially for those of us who have not yet “met” their highest self and are completely running their lives through their ego. How can we expect these people to express “perfection”? It is unfair to do so. People are simply doing the best they can at their level of consciousness, including you.

Idealism: Friend or Foe?

A few years ago I took a personality quiz and it told me idealism was one of my main character traits. I suppose you could probably already tell this by this site I created…(ha-ha). One of the main points that stuck with me from the quiz, is that it said this idealism could create high expectations of people, which could translate into others feeling bad around me since they didn’t meet my high and unrealistic expectations.

Honestly, when I read this it made me really sad and I wanted to call old friends and apologize. I never wanted to hurt anyone but looking at my past and current relationships I realized it was one of the main causes of discord. Although I have worked on this, I have fallen into this trap again many times.

Also, I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of this scenario. For much of my life, I was afraid of conflict and wanted to please/make others happy. Therefore, I created a persona that showed others that I was always nice, cooperative and agreeable.

If you have done something similar, you will know firsthand the detrimental side effect I am about to discuss. I am not perfect, no one is! So, needless to say, I finally showed my flaws, and sometimes in extreme ways, because I had pushed my real feelings down for so long, in the attempt to be a perfectly “good” person.

These outbursts quickly pushed people away because I made them believe I was “better” than that. I made them believe I never got angry, or that I am always agreeable. I even gave the impression that I will support them in any decision, even it means sacrificing my integrity.

Unfortunately, (or fortunately) through my healing journey, I discovered creating this persona and trying to be perfect was NOT doing anyone any good. I was actually being dishonest with myself and others. I set myself up for failure in relationships because I created such high expectations. Therefore, when I did make an even small mistake that other people make all the time, it appeared to them that I had “lost” it, or I was all of a sudden a bad person.

The creation of this persona and the destruction of it has been the cause of some great pain. My relationships began to fall apart and even became non-existent. Even today, I am very careful about how I go about setting the tone for new relationships. Meanwhile, I am trying to figure out how to mend the existing ones.

My experience with people who had such high expectations of me—then quickly turned their back on me, when I turned out to not be what they thought—has hurt me very deeply. However, I realize, I brought it upon myself, for the most part. Also, it made me realize to not do the same to others. And instead, I am learning how to come from a place of acceptance and love, instead of righteous expectation disguised as “helping” others be their best self. Because really, the best place to start in helping others is coming from a place of unconditional acceptance.

How to Move from Expecting to Love

Do you want the best for yourself? Of course! Do you want the best for others? Of course! OK, you may challenge me on the 2^nd answer when it comes to some people, but let’s look at the facts:

When others are happy, they treat others around them better.
When people have what they need and want, they are much more pleasant to be around.
When people are living their dreams lives, they are a lot more generous (because they have more than what they need and therefore have more to give, from energy to time, or money).

Basically, wanting the best for others is actually again saying, you want the best for yourself. And saying you want the best for yourself, also means you want the best for others; because in the end, you will be giving them your best self, which of course is giving them the best!

So now that you know, (or realized you already knew), that others happiness determines your own and vice versa, we can begin the steps that will help you move from expecting too much from others to a place of love.

Encourage NOT Push: We think that expecting the best from others will bring out their best. That is why we push our friends, partners, and children to win. We see, (more often than they can) their greatest potential and talents, so we often wonder, “WHY…are they (not)…doing such and such. They are such a great (blank) OR… they are so smart, talented, etc.” Part of the reason is because of the unspoken (or spoken) pressure they are under. They don’t want to disappoint you or anyone else! Instead of pushing them to win and reach for the “best,” encourage them to be fully themselves and express that in a way that they can get on board with.
Accept whatever IS: Even though you and they want to get from point A to point B, but they are not quite there yet, and maybe they are not moving to point B as fast as you would like, telling them things like “Don’t you have to start training for….? Have you done (blank) yet?” is basically saying to them that they are not living up to your expectations. Instead, don’t say anything, especially if you know they are smart and capable enough to get from point A to point B, or at least they have the resources available to them. After all, it is THEIR goal and life—not yours, right? Or, if you do say something, focus on what IS. For example, “I see you went for a run yesterday. Was that for your marathon training? You are really inspiring, I think I might try and do the same. Can I come with you next time?” And maybe they haven’t done anything towards their goal they mentioned. Oh well! Again, it is their life and the consequences will be on them—so why worry or make it about what you want for them?
Love them anyway: Especially when it comes to our kids, we often make them think our love is dependent on their “success.” Even though we know in our hearts, however, their life ends up, we will love them anyway! Be sure to show and even voice this to them and other people in your life. When they have done nothing to “please” you or even, during or after they didn’t show their best self, say “I love you.” Or, show them by listening, giving them an unexpected token of appreciation (i.e. randomly bring their favourite tub of ice cream home because you know they are having a rough day). Don’t punish them for being human. Instead, love them anyway, and it will encourage them to bring out their best self, you know is there!

A Word of Caution

OK, so these steps might make you anxious, correct? How come? Because you may feel that if you don’t hold on to your ideals, that everything will fall apart and your kids or other loved ones will end up to be homeless addicts. And guess what, if they do, it actually has NOTHING to do with you. Especially, if you are coming from a place of detached, unconditional love.

One major ingredient in this whole scenario that I have not mentioned yet AND is just as important, is one of boundaries! I cannot stress how important clear, healthy boundaries are. This will make the difference between co-dependent love and unconditional love, between being kind and true compassion. And finally, between people pleasing and integrity of oneself (while respecting another’s).

Without boundaries, the steps mentioned above can and will fall apart. This is because you will fall into the other trap sensis experience when trying to be kind—being a doormat

You cannot realize your best self and reach your highest potential when you are living life for others. Respecting yourself and your boundaries are key in loving others fully because you are loving yourself fully. You are giving your greatest service to others when you mix ALL of these ingredients. AND guess what? You are living with true joy and fulfillment!!

A BONUS Side Effect of Letting go of Expectations

When you fully allow to let go of expectations and instead accept what is and love yourself and others fully, something truly amazing happens. YOU ARE FREE!!!!!!!!!

Your energy is lighter than ever because you are not wasting time; you are not waiting for others to get it “right,” or worrying about doing everything perfectly. Your mind is clear, and your energy is not drained by attachments to others’ lives and how they will turn out. Also, you let go of attachments to your own outcomes. You will simply do the best you can in the moment, and know in the end you will learn what you need to learn and move on.

For example, if I let myself go into a place of “OMG I have to write this perfectly and have to market it the proper way, or I won’t help anyone or get what I need from this blog, and my dreams will be ruined.” Then guess what? My worries will become my reality—eek! Don’t want that to happen. So, instead, I am learning to just go with the flow, write what inspires me and hope it will inspire others too. Also, I have a deep knowing that even if NO ONE reads this or is inspired by it, I LOVED every minute of creating it. Therefore, it is worth it to me because I am being true to myself and doing what I feel is important right now.

As far as the promoting and business side of it, when I come to those tasks as well, I will do them with integrity and to the best of my knowledge and let it go. If I try to be like someone else and stress myself out about what every person thinks, I will have no energy to live my life in a happy and peaceful way; so really what will be the point then?

I encourage, NOT expect you to get quiet, write down your boundaries, figure out what is important to you and what you need and want, find out who you really are (flaws and all). Above all, ACCEPT yourself anyway and live your life without regrets that would impact your true happiness.

Did you figure out who you are expecting too much from? Is it yourself? Did you even know this was happening? Comment below and let me know your process and what expectations you are struggling with! I would love to hear from you 

Psst…want to know how to get to a place of acceptance? I have the perfect tool for you! Be sure to check out my free guide: The Ultimate Key to Emotional Freedom.

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How to Have More Quality Time with your Children

May 13, 2017

Conscious Parenting Personal Development

Our Blessing, our Struggle

Currently, I am working from home and therefore get to spend quality time every day with my 2-year-old daughter. I feel truly blessed and grateful that my current life circumstances allow this. However, the very thought of having to leave her every day instead, and therefore reducing this precious time with her, makes my heart ache.

So, when I was doing research for this blog post, I was not surprised that many women wanted more of this precious time. When we become mothers, our kids become our whole world. Especially, during that first year or few months where you spend literally every minute with them. And every day that passes, where the time you spend gets less and less (as we see them grow and flourish), makes our heart sink from missing them. On the other hand, we are happy to see them become their own person.

This is a struggle I know now, as a mom, which every parent probably faces. We want our children to grow and become happy healthy adults, but we are scared we will miss out on so much of their lives as well. The last thing we want is to be forgotten. Often our children have no idea how much they really mean to us. However, one of the best ways in letting them know is by having more quality time with them. Which, is a win-win situation for both parties. We mothers get to a bigger part of their lives, and our children get to feel extra supported and loved!

So…What Does “Quality” Mean?

If you are a mother or parent reading this, I probably don’t have to tell you what quality means, but let’s break it down anyway. Below are a few major elements I think are crucial in qualifying as “quality time.” However, later in this article, I will use these elements to further explain how to get more quality time.

No distractions such as electronics (and preferably one-on-one time)
Lots of eye contact
Affection (especially for the little ones but even those teenagers need lots of hugs!)
Active listening (actually hearing what they have to say and responding in a way that lets them know you are listening i.e. re-phrasing what they told you back to them to clarify certain points)
Heart-to-heart conversations, where you are truly getting to know them as a separate person and you are sharing things about yourself too, (just don’t cross the boundaries into talking about things that could hurt them or make them feel super uncomfortable like spousal issues, for example)
Telling them how you feel about them (i.e. “I love you,” “You are important to me.”)
Trying your best to understand them. Which, can include certain activities such as researching things that are important to them. And when you are really in a bind, finding someone that can help facilitate the conversation—to help give both of you a neutral perspective
Support. Remember, you as the parent, it is your job to be in the driver’s seat. To know when to direct them and know when to step back. This is true support. Sometimes they want you to be involved and sometimes they just need a (possibly silent) cheerleader!
Taking a sincere interest in their hobbies, goals in life, etc. You don’t have to like what they do or join in— it is more about asking questions. However, if they want you to join in but you are not comfortable with it, do it anyway! You will be glad you did 
NO FIGHTING—Sometimes disagreements can be healthy and part of the development of your relationship, but if the interactions are always negative and things are said that both of you regret (a lot), it is best to seek help. Your relationship with your child is critical to their future well-being and it makes a huge impact on yours too. Often, we fall into old and unhealthy relationship patterns that we were taught, but taking matters into our own hands and being brave enough to seek help will make a HUGE difference. See this page, for my services that can assist.

3 MAIN FACTORS IN GETTING MORE QUALITY TIME

Honesty and Appreciation

First, take a look at the current situation and, ask yourself some crucial questions. Are you creating an environment where the above “quality” elements can be achieved? For example, do you set rules at your house such as; No electronics at the dinner table? And if so, are you following these rules yourself? Be completely honest and really look at the current time you spend with your kids. Does this time have most or all of those elements mentioned above?

Also, don’t complain to others, and especially NOT to your own children, that you never get to spend time with them anymore. Most likely, this will push them away. A better strategy would be to over-emphasize and be appreciative of the time they do offer. For example, if you were able to have a good heart-to-heart conversation with them in the car, say things like: “Thank you so much for sharing. I really enjoy these conversations with you. We should schedule a time every day/week where we can connect. You are super important to me. I hope you know that I love you very much.” It doesn’t have to be that long (unless it’s been awhile since you did say those things) but the sincerity, honesty, and appreciation, has to be there. When your child looks into your eyes, they will know how you feel. If they are a teenager they may roll their eyes, but deep down they are super happy to hear it!

Also, be honest about your own shortcomings that may have challenged the relationship. For example, “I know I’m not the best listener but I am currently working on this.” Or, maybe you haven’t divulged enough about who you are as a person, and therefore have walls up. For example, maybe you can explain to them that you were super shy as a child and how you have dealt with this challenge. Or, that you succumbed to peer pressure too many times and ended up having life-long regrets. Of course, share these things with discretion, basing it on their developmental age and what they are able to hear/understand. If you are not sure, talk to a person experienced and knowledgeable about child psychology.

Re-evaluating Priorities

Continuing on the honesty train, take a good hard look at your schedule right now. Is there scheduled time for each of your children to spend one-on-one time with you? If there isn’t—that changes now! Even if they are grown up and out of the house, and it may seem weird to them (if you haven’t done it before), schedule a call every 1-2 weeks. If they still live with you, no matter their age, you can fit them in. NO EXCUSES.

Really, what is more important? Getting brownie points with your boss and staying an extra hour at work, or more time with your kids? Even if money is an issue, and therefore you think it is more important, unfortunately, most kids (even older ones) do not understand this. They simply see it as you choosing work (or something else) over them.

There is always a way!! Instead of working more, you can do things such as: skipping the movies that weekend and have an at-home movie night in your PJs. Or, don’t eat out for a couple weeks and make cost-effective meals that last, like a huge pot of chili, for example. AND as an extra bonus, get the kid(s) to help and teach them about making this type of food (it may come in handy when they are a poor college student! Ha-ha!) By the way, you can even tell them that’s why you are teaching them. They may laugh or look horrified, either way, it doesn’t matter because you are connecting! And no matter how hard they deny it, they need and appreciate this!

When you really feel there needs to be more of a connection, offer things like, picking them up from a school a bit earlier. Or, having them skip their dance class, so you can go for a walk together and catch up. I know it may seem like you are letting other people/organizations down, but honestly, your child (who is most important) will view it as they are super special to you!

Even my own mom let me stay home from school sometimes when I was stressed out and I really needed some mom-and-me time or some just “me” time. My education didn’t suffer—in fact, I ended up going to one of the best universities in my country! I think these “breaks” and quality time actually allowed me to do better because I was less stressed and felt supported and loved. Plus those days I usually got to do something creative or be outside which lifted my spirit and was food for my soul and own healing. Of course, if you are going to allow your child to do this and yourself (i.e. taking a “sick” or “personal” day), don’t do it on a day where there is a big test or anything OK? Ha!

Making the Most of What Time you DO Have by Being CONSCIOUS

So what if you really can’t change or adjust your (or your child’s) schedule at the current moment? My sincere suggestion is to do your best and put your full effort into the little time that is there. By doing so, you will actually feel like you have spent more time with your children, without having to magically make more hours in the day.

In order to put this into practice, certain circumstances need to be in place. For instance, the qualities mentioned above. However, these can be very challenging if you have fallen into certain habits that go against those “quality time” elements.

The best way to rectify this is by being more aware! Awareness allows you to see things like, “Oh, I was just on my phone for an hour, when I could have been spending time with my son.” As you become more aware and realize how important it is to “correct” certain habits, you will start to make the necessary changes.

Here is an example of a shift: After eating dinner, a mother realizes she spent the whole dinner “attending” to others by cleaning off their plates, getting the butter out of the fridge, etc. Instead, she could have “let things be” and start asking her son about his day. After this awareness, she feels her time is running out, as he will soon be jetting off to his room for the rest of the night. So with this awareness, she actually takes the opportunity to say to her son, “Hey I know you may have homework and other obligations, but I’ve noticed we haven’t spent much time together. Since it’s a nice day, do you want to play some catch in the backyard for a little bit?” She may only get 20 minutes out of him—but hey, it’s a start! And when following the elements mentioned before, those 20 minutes may seem like an hour instead! Or better yet, maybe it turns out this is what her son wanted all along, and he wasn’t going to be busy that night, so he offers to go for a walk with his mom after they play catch!

We don’t have to Sacrifice Ourselves

One of the best ways to practice being conscious and present is to do so on your own time! Even if it is for only 5 minutes when you wake up in the morning, it starts to help shift your perspective and seep into the rest of your day.

Self-care is actually one of the major ingredients in providing and creating quality time. We may have looked at your schedule and thought to yourself, “Hmm, well I could opt-out of my yoga class to spend more time with my kids.” Although, it may seem like that is what I am asking you do it, IT IS NOT.

In fact, please, please, please go to that yoga class, therapy session, tea with a close friend, into the bubble bath! A relaxed, happy and CONSCIOUS mom will automatically be able to provide better quality time with her kids! However, I do suggest prioritizing your “me time” activities to conscious ones first such as; meditation, journaling, counseling, etc. Just be sure it is not more than 1 hour a day and that it doesn’t always cut into your time you could have with your kids. For example, try to do these things when they are sleeping, at school, at their own evening class, or at a friend’s place.

Another beautiful thing about carving out time for your own well-being is that we are meeting your own needs, instead of expecting others to do it for us. Unfortunately, unknowingly and unintentionally we put our needs onto our children. Especially in difficult times such as having disputes with our spouse, we can look for comfort in the wrong places. It is always important to remember and be aware that as the parent, we are to be there for them, not the other way around.

We are Equal

As our children grow older into adults and our relationship with them may become more of a friendship- yes, they may naturally start to want to be there for us too, which is totally OK. However, even still, we need to take care of ourselves. By reaching out to the proper resources and networks, we can benefit from the supports available to us. Because, in reality, these other options will meet your needs more fully. And, this will allow your children to not live with any “guilt” that they should not have to live with.

On the other hand, being conscious also means realizing that you and your child are equal. You have equal rights as individuals. Becoming aware of this will allow you to make better judgment calls (such as the element of the proper support mentioned above). You can follow your gut on when to be more involved and when to take a step back. You will be attuned to your child’s needs and to your own. This will result in a healthy, balanced relationship, which also translates into having positive quality time together!

One More Tidbit

One more thing that can help greatly in having more quality time with your children, is to get their point of view! If they are younger they may not be able to verbally tell you, but as you become more aware, you can pick up on their “cues.” For example, my toddler likes to grab my hand, pull me over to our bean bag chair, and pretends to jump to let me know she wants to play her “jumping” game. It is super cute and reminds me, Oh yes, it has been a little too long since I paid her some much-deserved attention.

Otherwise, if they are older, ask them what activities and times they like to spend with you. However, be sure to compromise/choose the one(s) that you know will actually include those “quality” elements. For example, if they say watching movies and going for walks, probably the walk is a better option as there are more moments you can actually connect with them. Unless you are like myself and my mom where we usually like to watch discussion-inducing shows where we can talk through the whole program (or after) about bigger life questions and our own experiences and/or thoughts and feelings.

What do you do to create some quality time with your kids? Be sure to comment below—I would love to hear your thoughts! Also, if you are looking to connect more deeply with yourself and your children, be sure to sign up to our newsletter. On another note, if your family relationships really need some love, my other business, Peace Alive, focuses on just that!

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